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i shaved my head in the sink / i left the water running / i watched my hair block the drain / and on the bathroom's flooding ground / built no ark for myself / i longed for end times coming / i understood what it meant / to need to kill to reset
this stranger standing reflected / with my old image blending / inside the mirror before me / the death of self portended by / all the years that i spent closing my eyes / to try to change what i'd become now in life / to die and start again
i fixed my eyes on the light above / the level rising / and let it swallow me whole / all gaps from floor to ceiling closed / up and onto my neck / the steady water flowing / then climbing over my head / i shut them tight to accept
as if in amber suspended / both arms and legs extended / the pressure bending the glass / then shattered out and down i went / forces pulling to the surface of earth / like some raptured body played in reverse / to start and die again
two summers past / at the bathroom sink and standing / shirtless cutting my beard / you came in to sit and talk / i watched you watch in the mirror / brought the trimmer grinning up to my head / said “hey i'd never have to pay to get my hair cut again” / nervous laugh / said “you wouldn't—”/ interrupted when the trimmer lowered / fistfuls of hair falling softly down / to the floor before you
and you cried for a minute when i did / like a child who saw their father for the first time with a shaven face
a subtle change / a sudden stranger
made and then betrayed / the shape turned unfamiliar
first i thought you were scared that i could never grow it back again / now i see at least six months passed since you‘d recognized me
a decade spent dissociating / backwards from the past / inside alive and laughing / still
a minor change in desperation / a minor change in desperation the mirrored shape my bent reflection made
shaved my head to force a change
to be un-recognized
