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Alright
Hey
Everyone so today
We're going to be tackling a topic
That i think we can all relate to at least to some extent
Yeah can be a little bit
Thony a little bit
Uh you know sometimes you don't want to think about it too much
But we're going to dive deep into it today
And hopefully come out the other side with a little bit more clearity absolutely so we're talking about friend of y frennamies that's right
And we've got this great article uh from the atlantic called how to spot a frirennamy and be a real friend catchy title tle yeh cati title yeah
It's by arthorsy brooks
And let me to tell you this article is just packed with insights
I could imagine
And i think by the end of this
You're going to be able to spot a fronend of me from a mile away yeah
But also maybe even more importantly you're going to have a much clear picture of what real friendship
Uh really looks like i like that the contrast
Yeah
That's importso yeknow when we think about frienfrienship it
It often seems like prepretty straight forward thing right
Yeah
I mean on the surface
Sure
But the more think about it
You know the more you experienced different kinds of relationships
You start to realize that it's actually pretty complex
And really is
Isn't it
I mean brooks even starts off the article with this definition of a frirenomy
That i think is just so spot on
Yeah
What is it
He says
Someone who appears to be your friend
But behaves in ways that real friends wouldn't and shouldn't
Oh
I like that
That's good right
Because it really gets it that kind of like duplicitous nature
Yeah
The friend of me
It's like they're trying to like walk this tighrop between like friend and foe totally
And it can be so confusing to navigate
You know yeah
Like you're constantly second gesright
Like
Like they're 're intentions yeknow like they're being genuine or are they
You know here they are undermining me someunderminmining yeah
Exactly
So you know it's interesting is this whole idea of tdomamies
It's not new
Even philosophers way back in the day like errostostotal and mountain
They talked about these kinds of like tricky relationship
Oh wow
It's like a classic human dilema
It really is i mean astostotle
He talked about pleasant friendships and basically he was saying that those are friendships are kindness superdships
Right right
They're based on shared interests
You know you have fundder ships
Right right they lack that deeper level of connection
Yeah
Like those people you go to a party with exactly not necessarily call when you're going through something rough right it's like a good time friend you know
Exactly but not someone you'd really rely on yeah
Yeah
And then mountain he came along centuries later
And he wrote about how even in really close friendships
There can be elements of lake competition and envy
Oh
Interesting
Which sometimes can make it tip over into phrennamy territory yeright
Like it can power the relationyeyeah
Even if ststarted strstrexacacyeah
So we've got this like historical context
Yeah know phrennamames have been forever
Basically
Right right
The quesquestion is how we spopothem
Today today
Yeah
How do we navigate this in the modern world
I mean they don't exactly wear a name tags
Yeah
No kidding it's much easier
If they did so how how do we figure this out right well brooks
He actually breaks it down for us
Oh Good
He gives us three distinct types of renenomies okay
I'm intreed
And he calls them
The competitive the two face and the manipulative
Wow
So sound like here is you don't want to mess with right
And i got
Got say youyouprobprobably countered at least one of these in your life
Oh H right
Yeah
I'm in come on who hasn't
It's making me think back to some people already me too yeah
So let's break them down one by once see
If we can like get a handle on this whole frenomy situation
That sounds like a good plan so starting with the competitive ferenomy
So what are the red flags so with the competitive frenommy
这个是这个
Think about like that coworker who's always trying to one up you okay
Yeah
Maybe theystealing your ideas or taking credit for your work
Or maybe be be it's that friend who seems a little too envious of your behayeah
Or your achievements always kind of finding subtle ways to put you down
Uh that's classic competitive trenomy bebehaor
Or it's total sense they're driven by this like rivalry
This need to feel superiments even at your expense
So it's not like healthy competition no matall
It's more like
It's more like they're threatened by your success right exactly
And they're trying to bring you down a noch gotcha so have you erun into someone like that
Oh I think
I think we all have at some point
Yeah
It's pretty common
Unfortunately okay
So how about the two facast fronof me all the two faced
I'm guessing honesty is not really their strong suit
Yeah
You can say that so what are we looking for here
So this is the master deception okay
The friend who's old smiles to your face
But then gossips and portrys your trust behind your back
Um you're like socisocial comelians
Wow lending in and in striking
When you least expected
That's
That's a good analogy
Yeah
You got to watch out for those so specific examples
I mean is it like
Like think of that person who acts all supportive
When you're around
But then the minute you turn your back
Yeah
They're throwing under the bus
Oh
That's rough
Yeah
They're planying to game y and even sign up for exactly okay so last
But at least we have the manipulative fredny eah
Yes
The manipulator
What since them apart from the others
Well
These are the masters of emotional manipulation
Can i use guilltrips sulking the silent treatment
Whatever it takes to get their way
Oh wow
Brooks points out
They often like empathy that make sense
Yeah
They have this pretty cynical view of relationships okay
You people as ponds in their game
That's
That's a little scary
It can be
It can be
Yeah
Because you never quite know what their true motives are
So i guess the question is
You know if we can identify these toxic traits
嗯
Why do we put up with frirennamies at all
That's a really good question
It seems so counterintuitive
Yeah
Like you d think we just cut ties and move on right
Exactly
But it's not
Always that simple is it no
It's not
And brooks actually dives into this in the article
Oh Good
He suggests there are three main reasons
Why we might tolerate relationships okay
The first one is avoiding conflict
I can see that
You know some people just really hate confrontation right
And theyd rather just put up up a ftnamy than risk a big blow up
The second reason is maintaining socisocial networks okay
So it's like maybe the rentenamy is connected to a larger group of friends exactly
And we don't want to rock the boat right by tting tting them off choosing the lesser of two evils or something yeah
And sometimes we even convince ourselves
That the frennamy is useful in some way
Really like maybe they have connections that could benefit or
Or they provisome kind
Kind of service
So we're kind of weighing the costs and benefits
Yeah
But the problem is those benefits are often illusions or
Or leleast they're not worth the cost to our well being
So we might tell ourselves it's better to have them on our side
Even if it's a shaky alliance right
But what we often failed to realize
Is that these frenomy ships they come with hidden costs
Oh Yeah
Cost they can really add up over time
Like what what kind of damage
Er're talking about
Well
It's not just about the emotional toll
Which is significant
Don't get me wrong
Yeah
But there's also a physical impact
Oh Wow
Brkes highlights
Research showing that interactions with ttnamies can actually triggger more intense dress response
Really
But there's body then interactions without right enemy yeah is neccreate they pretty
While in the thing is these trenomames
They chip away at our defa steam
Yeah
They drain our energy
They leave us feeling constantly on edge
So like death by a thousand cuts
So it's a serious reality
Check it is it really makes you realized that even seemingly minor negativity
So it can have a real impact on our well bying on our physical on emotional health totally okay
So now that we've explored the dark side right of renomames
And we know how to spot them
Let's shift gearce
And talk about what real friendship looks like because that's the ultimate goal
It's n't exact to cultivate those genuine healthy connections
That's where it's really interested he because brooks he doesn't just leave us hanging with all this like negativity about trennamies
Yeah
So whatually gives ves us a road map
I think you could say for cultivating those real healthy friendship here
And that's really we're the article shine
That's like he's giving us the antidode to the poison
Essentially yeactly so so tell us what's
What's this secret sauce here
Ah what makes a true friendship thrive well brooks he lays out the six y didimenons ons real friendship okay
And it's based on some fascinating research ch omic al university
Oh wow
Okis so leabcocoffeit
It is it yes yes
Tell me with those six dimension ship right the first first one compcompionship okay
True friends they genuinely enjoy spending time together okay
They find shared activities meaningful
Whether it's just grabbcoffee
It is for a high ke or just chat on the phone
Whatever right there's this easy comfortable feeling
But just being yourself yeah around them that's huge you know
I think that's something that we often take for granted
Was that simple joy
Yeah just hanging out with someone you enjoy
Enjoy being around
But it really is the foundation of like a strong connection
Absolutely is like the bedrock
Yeah
Totally
And then the second dimension okay
We have help palook so real friends like the foundant in support
And it's always genuine ooay ay know no no strings attached they're kekeeping ore ore
Ah we're expecting something in return
It's about knowing you can count on them no matter what exactly
That's
It so like if you need to call them in the middle of the night
Yeah
They're going to be there for you the''picup the phone
Yeah
That's
That's real
That's true friendship okay so we've got companionship
We've got help
What's next right
The third dimension is intimacy
Intimacy okay so we're not a second about like casual luqueensthis here
No no
This is about deep connection okay
So true friends
They can confide in each other
嗯哼
They can share their vulnerabilities
Their secrets without fear of judgment or betrayal
Wow Yeah
That takes a lot of trust
It does
It really does
And you really have to feel safe
Yeah
Ah to be that vulnerable with someone absolutely
And it's that deep sense of trust
嗯and understanding
Yeah
That allows for real emotional connection
It's interesting
Because sometimes we think of intimacy as purely romantic right
But that kind of emotional intimacy is just as crucial and friendships
I totree
It's like a different kind of intimacy
Yeah
But just as important
But just as important yeah
Okay
So that's three
What's number four
Number four is reliable alliance
Reliable alliance
This is about being there for each other
Other through second
Then okay
They offer unawavering support ort and loyalty
So they're not in a daal on you
No they're writer die
Even when things get tough
Even when it's hard
Even when you're not at your best
It's like having a safe harbor
Yes
In the midst of life storms
That's beautiful
I love that analology
Yes
That's they're the anchor
They keeps you grounded totally okay so next up we have self validation
Self validation what does that mean in the context of friendship so real friends they don't just support you 嗯哼嗯
But they genuinely want to see you happy and successful okay
They encourage your growth yeah
And they celebrate your accomplish that they're genuinely happy for you
When you achieve something
Exactly it's not about competition
Right it's about celebrating each others wins
So it's like having your own personal cheerlier yeah
Someone who believes in you yeah
Even when you doubt yourself
I love that okay
I'm the last one
Right
The six divention is emotional security
Emotional security okay so real
They
They provicomforfort and reassurance um during those
Those chenging ing times right when you're feeling down
Exactly it help us navigate those difficult emotions yeah
And they offer a sense of stability
Like you know they're going to be
There to like talk you off the ledge
Exactly there are steady presence in your life
You know what i'm thinking about my closest st friends right now
And i can see all of these qualities in them
You too
It's amazing isn't
It like
Like how these these seem like simple things right
But they can have such a profound impact on our life
Absolutely it's the little things that make a big difference
And i guess have you noticed that in your own friendships
Oh Yeah
For sure
And i think it's something that grows over time um you know as you build trust and shared experiences
Yeah
And it's like all those little oments ts suppsuppconconctions yeah
They weave together to create this really strong bond like aa tapstry almost yeah
Ah aa way way to it it so books he doesn't stoences there he doesn't no
He throws in like a little bit of a curve ball
Oh
What he calls aaa domy e chacheck
E chacheck okay
So it's basically this set of questions that helps us figure out
If we might actually be the frennamyewhich someone elel's 's life that's good point yeah
Which i think is so 嗯嗯brilliant
Yeah
It's like a reality check
Because i think we all have those blind spots right
Totally i meve all probably exhibiit some some tdomy like behavior at some point right
Oh
For sure
Maybe that 've realizing it exact
So is is good way to canina you know
Hold up the
Hold up the
The yyoracact of our own actions
So let's walk through those questions and see
If we can like do little self asseare you right okay
So the first one asks
Whether you feel uncomfortable or ill it is okay
When you're spending time with this person even during fun activities interesting ly
If you can't relax and be yourself right or around them yeah
That's a red flag
It's a sign
That maybe the friendship isn't as genuine
Yeah
Like there's some underlying tension exact preventing you from fully enjoying yourself
Because with true friends it should feel easy yeah
Natural effort yeah right
Ok Ay
So what's seconsecond question
So this
This one es whether they're help feels genuuooay or if it often seems like it might not be your best best interest
So it's like are offofferhelp because they trutrucare right or is there a hidden agenda
Exactly that's
That's question tion kay like are they trying to manipulate you in some way um or get something out of you
So you got a attentition
You're got feeling on that one trust your instincts
Yeah
If you consistently sense those alterarior motives or hidden agendas behind their actions
Yeah
It's worth examining that relationship a little more closely
That's a really good point
Okay
So number three
Number three is about trust
Ok
Do you feel comfortable sharing your secrets with this person
Could you truly be vulnerable with them
That's a big one
It is because trust is the foundation of any healthy relationships especifrienfriendship
Especially friendships
Yes Yeah
So if there's even a sliver of doubt about their ability to keep your confidces
That's a major warning sign secrets
Shirt should be secrets kept
Exactly you got to be able to rely them
Yeah
For sure
Okay
What's next
嗯 Alright
So this question asks
Whether feel
Feel like this person would be there for you
When you truly need them
Okay
So this is more than just like everyday favers
This is about like real support yes
During tough time
Exactly because that deep se se of reliability suppsuppuum
When you really need someone in your corner
Because when you need to call it three am because when you need to fl apart and i'll answer the phone
Yeah
That's a true friend
That's a true friend right
Last question
Right
The final question focuses on their support and encouragement
Do they genuinely want to see you happy and successful okay
Do they celebrate your wins yeah
And offer empathy during your struggle
Because true friends are your biggest fans right they are
They are not threatened by your achiement or envy of of your achieveno they want to see you shine y
And if you sense envy yeah or a lack of genuine enthusiasm for your accomplishments
Yeah
It's worth exploring why i think this whole self of such such a valable tool
Oh It It
It really encourages us to look look word and examine our own behavior yeah
Within our relationships
Absolutely
And it's a reminder that you know we can be
But both the reciping and perpertrtrator a renommy behavior
It's a two way street exactly
And i think that's a really important thing
Remember it's humbling
It is
But it's also empowing ing is because it gives us that opportunity to be more intentional and mindful absogives in our interactions with others being self aware
So we've explored the dark side of ttomamies right
We've uncovered the six dimensions of true friendship
And we've even taken a peak in the mirror with that self check
Yeah
We've done a lot of releleting today
Today
So what are some key takeways you hope are lilisteners walking away with from all this
What i think the biggest one is that building and maintaining healthy friendships
It takes effort and intentionality
Okay
It's not something that just happens
Passively so like any good relationship
Friendship takes work exactly okay
And part of that work is being discerning about who we allow into our intercircle yeah
Because we got to choose our friends wisely yeah
Because now that you understand the signs of a frienend of yeah
You can be more intentional about the relationships
You cultivate remember true friendships
They're characterzed by youtrue respect genuine support okay in a shared desire for for otherers well being i love that
And on the flip side we've learned that tolerating frentaamies yeah
Even if we're doing it to avoid conflict or maintain those social connections
Right
It can actually be really detrimental to our happiness
And even our health
So it's not worth it in the long run
It's not
It's better
Better have a smaller circle yeah
Of trtrue friends than a wider circle with some rendomames mixthem exactly ality over quantity yeah
And i think it's easy to fall into that trap of thinking like owow they're not that bad
Or it's just a little bit of drama yeah
We minimize it yeah
But brooks he reminds us to those true friendships yeah
They enrich her lies in countless ways
Or is those frednamies
They often leave us feeling drained and depleted
So they suck the energy out of you exactly
So it's really about recognizing that we deserve to be surrounded by people who lift us up
Not drag us down
Absolutely
And it's never too late yeah to reevaluate your relationships and make changes that prioritize your well being i love that
So as we wrap up our deep dive into the world of rendomames yeah
Was one final thought
You'd like to leave our listener with today that's great question
Now that year equipped to identify those signs of frerennomies yeah
And you understand the hallmarks of genuine friendship
What steps can you take to cultivate healthy relationships yeah
I'd be a better friend
Yourself that's a great question to ponder it is
It's something to reflect on
Because ultimately you know friendship is a two way street
And we all have the power to be the kind of frienend that we want to have
Exactly yeah
It really is a journey isn't
It is when it comes to friendship um
But 嗯嗯嗯
You know the rewards are immeasurable
Totally i mean just think about it for a second yeah
Who are the people in your life
Who make you feel really seeen and understood like really get you ah yeah
Who celebrate your wins like they're their own
Who's there to offer a shoulder to cry on when you know yeah
When things get rough
When life ththose you a curve ball
Exactly those are the people worth holding on when yeah
Theare the ones that make life richer um folller more meaningful
More meaningful
Yeah
Absolutely
And just imagine the positive ripple effect that you can create by being that kind of friend right to others
Yeah
It's like investing in a social savings account
I like that
That pays dividds and in happiness and well being right both yourself and both around you
So it's not just about waiting out the friend of me es it's also about stepping up yeah
And being a better friend
Ourselves absolutely
And you know it doesn't have to be these grand gestures or labord didilalays of effection
Yeah Yeah
Sometimes it's the simplest acts of kindness
Totally like just offering a listening year
A thoughtful note yeah
Or just showing up when someone needs you
Yeah
That can make all the difference
It's the little things that often speak the loudest
They really do yes said so as we wrap up our deep dive into the world of trennamees
是的 对的
I hope you're walking away yeah
Not just with a new found awareness of those tricky relationship
Right also with a rererenew appreciation for the power of true friendship
Absolutely
And maybe even like a little inspiration to go out
And cultivate those connections that brthat noort and a sense of belonging because the end of the day
Yeah
It's this genuine heart felt connections
Ah that gengenuinspiraving couldn't set it better myself well on that note yeah
Think it's time to wrap things up
Yes
This has been a fantastic deep dive
It has i feel like i've learned a lot
Me too always good to have these conversations and hopefully our listeners feel the same way
I hope so
And remember if you're out there struggling with a friendof me um
We're just want to build stronger more authentic friendships don't hesitate to reach out for support
There are resources available
There are
And you don't have to go through this alone
And sometimes just talking about it can make a world of difference
It really can so don't be afraid open to someone
You trust
Exactly so that's it for this deep diet
Yeah
Until next time stay curious
Stay connected
And remember true friends are like diamonds well like that rare
Precious and worth or waiten gold beautifully said
