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Hi y one
I'm am thh jones and i'm paul wade
And this is the overshare podcast
The podcast where you ask us questions about life and love and work and everything between
And we do our dambers to answer them
So should we try to be funny too
Uh yeah
Okay
But this is the interpret and we're only on episode one
So we don't really know what we're doing
Right now
What's been going on this week for well i am about to head over to sitran
We're in shanghai
Right now i'm going to sitran later week for the golden panda awards
I was there a few months ago
And it's a big film festival
Um um this one i'm going back to is another of the to got a whole slate of i think film related things
And they just brand them with the golden panda
But the one i went to less than they had sort of a film competition element
Some documentarsome peacher films
And i think this time broadenit out
I think it's more culture in general
But i have a comflict relationship with competitions anyway
Um yeah
That that reminds me
So this
This week there was a singing
Singing competition called singer
Twenty twenty a simple naname on very very direct on chinese tv
Yes
On mango tv
Okay
That that the big guys
It's more or less a typical singing competition
Reality tv show kind of thing
Um
So there are judges from different nationalities and singers from over the world computing the first in second place prize went to foreigners um
And beloved chinese singer naining came in third
Everyone was saying uh
There was a huge disparity
Between the levels of nying
Ying
The chinese one uh singer and the foreign singers
But she came third dright
So there were other chinese so basically the two foreign singingers came first in second
And then all of the chinese singers were ranked after that
That's correct right and so then there i don't know
I mean there's just just just first of ii have a istie with the premise of the whole competition
Itself all competitions are just just this competition
Just this would i mean
I don't know
I think music is an art
And
And art is i mean
Essentially subjective
So you're
You're taking it's about what is third in the listener or the consumer of that art um
So i feel like if you're just taking the singing component out of it
You're just kind of taking out the best bits right
So
But why did that so why did they win is there any objective reason
Why they
Why they want with the people online who talked about this
And we're getting all fired up about it with that was that something
That was bother red them
Where they saying it was unfair
Or were they say that it's unfair
That the foreign is one
Or were saying ying was the reason
Why the foreign one one and the problem
Problem china okay
So my other issue was this competitions is
I don't really know why this has to be a national thing
I mean she can she just right represent then herself as a singer
Does she need to represent an entire nation strstrange plus i mean ii from engengland is part of great britain
Which is part of the uk and a different sports and different competitions
Sometimes the bit of the uk is that we are is still england
And sometimes the team is the uk
And sometimes is great britain
Like the football team is england
But the olympics is great britain
And then acactually i don't know
Whwhere the uk competes so much sure
If mind it's totally confusing
I have no idea
What the meknow is i know and talking
King
I mean tennis is name me the player
Yeah
What tennis the name of the player
Tenis is that no
I just say tennis in tennis
It's just the name of the
The fh right i mean
We know where they're from
But
But it's not we don't go
Oh
That's a victory for england
Or something right that's a good point
I mean like different sports seem to attract for things
But music does seem like a strange run festival
Because music is one of those ones
Whthere's no objective kind of point system
Or they
They on
Because they go in a goals
You know their winning bigks people like them
Well well
I saw in this global times article
That i'm going to talk about
But there was a quote that said they were objectively better
Which i find totally zzar
But
But what y're even completely right
But their voices were objectively better
I don't even
I don't even like agree with the basic logic of that statement right um
But when i guess there's somesomeone if they're completely of key and just buttering it
They're objectively worse
I guess were they saying that the two two reigners ers ii don't
Don't even like the world
But the two non chinese who were in the competition and came for us in second that they was somehow more experience
That that kind of singook
So this is
This is i really this is the crazy part so actually okay
So during a press conference
There was the producer hoonshell hogsel i don't know it's not in chinese confirm that many singers turn down the opportunity to participate in the show due to concerns over the quote
Quote live format
I would a lot of chinese sing as the majority and not writing their own material
So you think that what they are good at is performing well and like musical singas
You know they're good
They're good on performing songs they've selected
And you know ininad of that that know and people on average here are great picpick up a icphone a singing a song
I mean
I wouldn't think that would be no ii thought was ridiculous
I mean
I think
I think
And then there was another qute te i um um premedicines
Begins specuculating about fufuture of chchinese music industry questioning who could tentially ally rescue its current state right
And it's like this the music instry what it has no money
I think it's doing fine
I think you
I don't think it needs rescuing right
I mean
And i lilisten to the competition
I thought they are all great
Now was was fantastic
Me me perme
It just based on which song i like more
I mean another issue with the mise se of the
I mean another peactive competitions
They're not science
Yeah
So it's just one of of what they all it
It's a
And it dotisan evidence is that the phrase
It's just subject your preference
It's just well no
It's a one of example
So in this one of example
These two
Two people came in and want a seeen competition
Maybe they were better on the day
But i don't know what it
I don't know it represents
And i kind of agree with you that competitions especially for
是的
好的好的是的
For
For objective things like sports
Where it's how high can you jump
How fast can you run
How many goals can you school
Competitions make sense
Because there's no judgment involved
You just set up the rules
You play the game
And who comes top is the one that wins
But for for for for artistic staff even to be honest
Even a the olympics with the figure skating and things like that i don't want to get rid of i think a beautiful sports
But the competition element a bit does sometimes seem to me a little bit silly
I mean
Yeah
I am i'm kind of against or sport to judges well that was great
So should we take a minute to explain a bit about what we are what this podcast is about
Yeah
I guess this is a podcast
Where you ask us about relationships
Maybe cultural ous understandings community medical arthors really in the medical stuff
Medical advice
What we could do medical
But i mean that more of thing is like helping people to navigate relationships with friends and partners and
And colleagues
And so on yeah we kind of
We're just kind of exploring the things that um terrors apart and bring us together
我的这个that's
It well put
I think that's right
And so we're going to try and give you guys some outside perspective
Um these
These are not definitive advces
We're onna give in the show polli and not therapists
Yeah
We basically just got a combined um thirty five five four years of experience
Living in china
Living in working in china
Ups and down spacing struggles
Listening to other people
People adviice getting things wrong and lot kind of stuff
So i think you can
You can tell from both of our accents
We are not chinese
I am american and arthur is british
That's right
We both speak chinese
Yes we do you other chinese se se is great popolls
Maybe better know know way anyway get your questions to a send us a voice ice message to are which out official account
The overshare in chinese fatent who sure or to our email
The overshare at one six three dot com alright very good
Now let's get right into listening questions
Hey Guys
These days i really have a problem
I picked up so many early learning centri's phone call
They asked me to pick some classes for my two and half years old daughter at very beginning
I think she's only too she even you know cannot speak very well
Why i should cost so many money to let her joining those classes
But these days i find out around eighty five for ninety percent friends
Around her already took some classes like rollers
Skating music
Even some of them taking cooking class
So i think i'm wondering
If i'm wrong
I should let her to go to some classes to make friends or i'm
Oh
I can still doing what i'm doing
This days when we have time
We take her out to see different view to teach her how to communicate with friends
What you guys think
Oh My god
Cooking classes for two year old
Can't even talk making king
King how how pocome dangerous
Is that i don't know ninety percent
Ninety percent of parents were two girls putting their kids in extra
Extra circular classes that seems great
There was a new policy
I think came in a year to ago
When they were trying to discourage parents from sending their kids to too many extra classes
And that seem pretty sensible
Because i think achie's funny
We were talk about competitions today
But there was like a whole competitive age
This like where it doesn't even feel like it's that useful to the kids
It's just part of a kind of social competition
Where you have to have your kids doing more and quicker than other kids
Yeah
I mean
I don't
I also think that a kid
Of course
I'm not a father
Arthor is
Is the father of
Of dedo o
Here i just don't
I don't know how socially capable
They are at that point
I think the real relationship
The real social relationship that's important is with the parents
I think the other thing
I think so this is i would add to this is that
I think kids were different
I don't think this is one size fit's all some kids are really really respond well to being given like tons of stimulation and lots of learning opportunities and other kids feel persecuted by parents are always saying
And what you learn is what do you do this
And they have to find their own speed to do it
And i
My fefeeling is that as paparent your job is to kind of find out your kid is 是
And obviously there's a room to move
Any kid can move slightly either way become to do less than namhaps would have done or to do a bit more than they might be inclined to do
But i think the suckle out of paracthing is to find out what who your kid is
And then to help them move in a little bit of the right direction
So if your kid is two years old
And just loves looking at you doing cooking joining in the kitchen
你说
And you think they could cope with doing a bit more of that in a class
Why not i'm just like handling boiling water
And it's like turning up the huge flame on the done
The chinese stove and ninife
And really really big shop yeet yeah
And like big a hacking up a chicken with a clever
That's it if they
If you think that's what
That the kind of kid
They are then go ahead do that
Yeah
Hey Guys
I'm hoping you can help me with a problem
I've been living in taiwan for like two and half years
During that time i've lived in like five different apartments
But the worst one by far was the one previous where i am now
Where i had this crazy neighbor who was extremely sensitive to noise
And would like constantly semmemessages salike ky did what the fuck was that noise of three am last name
And that noise was literally mean closing the bathroom doit he would also like take me down to his flat
And demonstrate how to walk around in my flat on these like softs
Sould slippers
Do not make any noise
And i when i end up believing in large part that deal with this guy
I know that previous guy was there
My friend was also chassed out
Because of this stude in part and the person who was there
Before him a japanese girl was also chased sed out
So yeah
My question to you
Guys is um do you do
When you've got iighghorlike this what's heard
Vice
Thank you well
My immediate reaction here is you know
Wor're show about ina
Ina resolconflicicto understand people
But sometimes it's not really fixible
If you move
I've had this
You move into a place
There's a neighbor
Who does something intolerable or is incredibly intolerant of you
And sometimes it's not fixible
So you can need to live with them
Being like that
And i'm to choose to ignore them
Or you can just say well
This is one of those places where i probably shouldn't live
And i'm going to have to move out the next possible location lation
I've also had this experience
Where i'm just thinking about this person
All the time i'm in my house
By myself for some
So it's like i
This person is now a maan figure in my life
This is this is like my biggest disappointment trutrump running again that ii have to think trump he's in my hehe's in my head
He's in my head space
And one i'm out
This is like the trump neighbor
It's a trump
It's the head neighbor
He's taken over your mind
And you can't get him out
You can't get him on
So i mean
Yeah
The thing is
Is
The thing is that ononce you have a neighborlike like this
You think if you move the neighbor wins and the rain of terror continues
And that is just something you have to eat
Yeah
Id an that experience just let him win
There's no
When there's no losers
There's only you getting a better life as you leave the apartment and leave the psychopath right
The only other thing i add to this is that the resent ment about a neighbor is probably unhealthy to have
Especially when you're living there
So if we want to look at this
In terms of like generally speaking understanding people is better than just hating them or resenting them
Because it takes it more of your mind
It is true
That there is some strange things going on in the five senses hearing being one of them
So a neighbor who superpercentive tive sound
And you can
You can extrapolate from other senses for example
We all know people who can't eat certain times of food
They seem supersensitive to a certain flavite discuss
Then they feel nugious ous they can't need
They're not making a choice about that in general they something they agend we kind of there are people who don't like certain texges
Does that strange disorder
Where people who see patterns of small shapes
It makes them feel dizzy in ogia
Some people very sensitive to color or certain light too so it is possible the neighbor
But they don't necessarily have a choice in this
They are literally feeling these incredibly strong sounds
That it's impossible for them to kind of work through ansthers doing the gentle tolerant interpretation
A bad behavior thing
It drives me up the wall
That's
That's exactly what i'm doing
Let's drive me up the wall okay by the way can i add to that
That i think the light sleepers are some of the most annoying people know well that they need to deal with that shit what you go on
Just go on
And say of these people are sensitive we need to talk what imagine their world
Get
You get some some it empathy for them
I'm not saying that it's good to have that i'm saying if you feel with them
When you can't do anything
Whether it might one tool in the oooobox x is understand them
That's one one tool on the other hand
It's also true to say that light sleeps is some of the most annoying ing people in the world
You mean when they're 're sleeping like in the work h sleleeps with the
Oh
What we're doing
Last night when you woke up at thirty seven im
And i'm like why were you listening to me
If i've at that time in the moryou know why just go to sleep
And if you can't sleep
While you keep wake up
Eieither keep it yourself
Because it's embarrassing or deal al dewith for them
Embarrassing for them
They shouldn't say that out loud
It's an embarrassing thing to admit i'm a light sleeper
What you're really holding onto this one
Yeah
It's a light sleeper
So not why is that embarrassing sing it's ligher sleeers
It what if i'm quietly walking around my apartment
And because somebody else must be self aware
Enough to know that they met other humans
They are a light sleeper
There are very very light leeper in other words
It's their problem
People need
Need be be self or enough to know that sure
I'm going to ask you
Beg you as a iighbbor
But they need to frame in terms of listen i have a problem
Right now i'm a super light sleeper
I'm getting you know i'm
I'm 're not have to with you
Um he brings me down into his apartment
To show me how a walk in my apartment
Which is insane the fact that this man is telling you
That you cannot walk bar foot in your own apartment
Is insane the other thing to do
Is to tell your neighbbto call the cops on you
Because i'm not sure anything can happen to you
Or you call the cops on your neighbor for as a noise complaint just start claiming that you
That he's sold out
And that he's really disrespecting you
And that you can't sleep
You can't eat
You can't work
I mean it
It's ruinin your life
What he's doing with that noise down there um just just kind of a trump
Other way it's kind of a trump
You want it is kind of a trump move
But i'm
I'm tetelling you to do this
I mean
If he's either a let him call the cops on you
Because i don't think you're doing anything illegal at all or b if he does you can just file noise complaints with against him just little tice the the own medine a ah hi like ked the flip
That
That's nice
I love teaching people things through the police sort of my favorite things to do
Well you know on a great believer in kle
In the police
So i have a chinese mother and law who is from northeast china
She's got a lot of great qualities
Shshe's toushshe's strong
She doesn't complain overall it's i'm quite lukkis aa dma to have a mother and all like this
But she got some serious health issues
And we can't get her to share
And so do you have any tips for getting uh a older chinese person to be willing to share
What they're struggling with or at least to give you warnings about when they're not feeling well
I don't know i mean my ve my first thought is can you
Can you just make a bunch of doctor's appointments just take cer to the dark
Just we have my monthly thing
If you know something is really wrong just a monthly thing
Where you're in a room with a doctor in her
And it's talked about i
Other than that i don't know how you sppooost up
I know it's tough one i think for a lot of olthe generations stoissim is like a way of life just to kind of let tough situations bounce off you back
And you don't respond
And you should carry on as it
It's like it's in a sense to be stoagiis to be a good person
And to fast about you know the propose is to be self obsessed
And what i kind of thing
It was
It was also like aa motor survival one could even say when that's how been of they got through a lot of hard times
And yeah
Yeah
So ii guess that i guess my first feeling about this is you got to understand that stouisism is like a is
Is a completely normal reaction to a life
That's kind of off gh know to be resilient
It's not nenecessary a bthing thing
But in this case suppose one thing to do is to try and help the grandmother understand the in fact her stose is amazing helping it's actually going to be more difficult
That there are things you can help with
With you
You
You know her allowing you into her whatever going on is is a useful thing to do
And not like bringing you um trouble
It's not creaating more work for you
In fact not saying it's going to create more work
So yeah
I think that's a great point
To i think it's a great point
Of course this reminds me of another thing
Which is that i've often found and friends had told me
Here that they struggle with the issue of how much you talk about medical things with older people including difficult subjects like death
Like somebody's on death stoor or doorbt they have terminal illness
And it's still relatively common for doctors here to you know to work with the family and decihow much they want to tell the patient about how quite how sick they are
I think it's based on a an idea that if you tell someone who's already very poorly that they are very sick
That it might speed up the death cause my natural inclination
But this is very cultural that that feels wrong to me
That that's something where you don't
You don't not tell people information about who they are
But i think if you grow up withthat being the norm
I think the idea that you're part of a family
And the family kind of makes decisions together is how you deal with problems and the family might make the judgment
That you're not in a health
You not strong enough healthwise to deal with bad information
Now i can disagree
That i'm not sure
How helpfully is for me to disagree or agree
But i think in this situations
Kind of inteinterebecause the collar is saying
Um the collar is saying that the gram
That the mother in law is dealing with these issues
But doesn't want to talk about them
I wonder if there's a way of kind of i'm squaring the circle here by saying allow us as a family to deal with this
You know what to mean
So it's the instead dealing with this on your own
Why do we do the thing
That's culture appropriate which is to kind of your illness is our illness that we deal with this as a family
And so we need to be in on this
I think you're suggest about taking them
Going with them to the doctor's great
Because i think involving the family is it really is something that people when they realized they kind of in the embrace of the family
They are going to feel more comfortable anyway
And it's not culturally weird
I don't think anywhere
I think to say let my family join in they can kind of help me get through this
Yeah
But i still true
I mean that
That makes a lot of sense
But it's also
There's going to it depends on the
Depends on the person
Depends on the family
But for someone to be like
Oh
I've got this
You know fatal problem
And i'm just gonshare it with my family
And it's still a big ask
I think for a lot of people of that age um
I think that's right
I mean it's funding that the coincicience y is i was actually over time ii think the listeners are going to understand that i am medically obsessed
It's one of my big obsessions
He's got a medical thing
That's what i calall
I sit of a hobby
I it's a neurosis
It's sof obsession
It's somewhere between a neuroseis some kind of hyper country and just a deep and a biting love of the medical professional
I've been experiencing ongoing conflict with my boyfriend
And it's unsolvboall
So it's
It's killing us
Because he has um avoided attachment style
And i'm very very anxious
So it's like every time
If there's any conflict happened
He would be like just disappeared
He doesn't want to talk about it
And if he disappeared
I'll be super actions and started pushing him
Which is only going onto make the situation worse
So yeah
Mission impossible
Well first of all attachement theory for romantic relationships is become really popular
Last few years like all over the world people talk about it
And it has this basic model that there are essentially three different types of people
Secure people
Anxious people and avoiding people
Well this is in relationships
They are
They have the secure attachment
Avoid ded attachment and 对对对
Anxious anxous attachment
Right that's okay
Yes
So three different types of attachment that you form in a bond
I guess the idea is that you learned how of attachments
When you are a id
Id then later ter life
You appappthose those kind
Kind of bbs to your partner
And essentially that what they sound like
But a secure person is has a healthy sense of self for god
They
They know how to look themselselthey know how to be be a seure partner
Ner know not deberately shanto make make feel feel abandonon on other hand
And are not too clely that somewhere in the middle
That they is of the healthy thing
And they're remember right from
And essentially atached which
Which ks ks about uh rorotic attachment
Ment ory um they say say i think it's around fifty percent of people are secure
So that's that the majority of people are the secure type
So they form healthy bonds with other people doesn't mean their relaships
Don't break down
But even in the moments
When they want
Want end the relationship
And they tend to do with a sense that relationships land and theyll find someone else and so with you
It's not the end of the world
So they have more secure and confident people and they based ally superuror ous relationship ship
Yeah
I don't even know that
I've ever met that kind of person
No um so anyway the other two types of people um ananiious
Anaiid and anxious people are more clelingy they have a fear of being aboned um they suspect that if the this incredible relationship that they idealized that they head ends
They won't from someone else avoiding people are afraid of attachment
They're afraid that they're losary dedepenence
They're afraid that yare in the wrong relationship
They don't like to necessarily talk about emotion tions
Tions fixed things
They tend to pull away
When they're worried about the relationship
That don't face problems and talk about them and so
Yeah
Yet keep getting relarelationships and et keep ep getting relationships so for me
I mean
I generally identify as as an anxious as someone who has an anxious attachment in most relationships
But i think it really depends on who you're with what kind of dynamic
You have with that person
So i've been the anxious one
And i've also been the avoided one
Um so again
Yeah
I agree with you
I don't think it's that helpful to be like i am this
I am i'm labelling myself as this
And i always be be
And
And i'll always be this
Of course
Yes
So that
I know that book came under criticism
Because it didn't give enough resources or advice about how to change
Although i didn't read the book
I shouldn't say that i've read the book so just to be clear
The book we talk about is called
Attached it's by doctor a mere
Levine and racil sf hella um is a very influential the book
And it does create this model
The book is interesting
It actually
Specifically looks at you're right
It doesn't talk about how to change from one thing into one else
Especially avoidance
I hehethey got
Got Got
Theygot got
They got waacked in that book
Yeah
The're really the bad guys and the both their avoidance is always going
Going make
Make our anxiety greater
But on the other hand
It might be a good relaship in other regards
And if you going to track to fix it
The book does identify something it calls effeccommunication ation
So communication is like the key to fixing these imbanced relationright uh again i do feel odd giving advice on relationships given my history
But when you're feeling good together
And you're not in a superanious state in your partner
Ers not in a superavoiding state
Then talk about it maybe say to your partner
哎
You know like i notice this thing
When
When you know we get in a certain state with each other
When we're relating to each other in a certain way
You i get really anxious
And you
You try to run away
But just like what would it be
Like if you stuck around what would that feel like to you
If you stuck
If you stuck around
And just to open up a dialogue
Maybe when you're not at like peak avoidance or peak anxiety
Because i think the conversation
The communication won't be that effective
Does actually yet what
What 're saying is very close to some advice
They give in the book
They give like some headlines about what afffective communication might mean
Don't focus on your partner is shortcomings
So you're focusing what you want not on how that letting you down
So it gives an example
I need to feel confident in the relationship
When you chat up the waitress
I feel like a month than nice
Sure jy i have the issue
Where if i
If i tell my needs to my partner
That once they understand that i have those needs
They're going to say that's too much work for me
You're too needy
I'm onna leave
Now i think that's a concern and yeah
Especially when that's actually happy to be before yeah
Yes
I think in the end of somebody can't respond till to those things
I'm assuming that's a relationship
That is going to be harder to maintain right and of course the willingness on both sides to improve confront the styles or confront the difficult feelings
That are coming in the way of of connection
That could be a relationship better right there
My mom miss me very much and worried about me
Every day she wants me to go back to my hometown
To work
But i want to stay
Stay in shshhai
I and work and ving more money
I should
I do
This is
This is a great question
This is the sweatest color
I've ever heard
This is the way
Just to say you are living away from home family memisses you
This is something that obviously i can relate to anssure
You can
Yes We can
This is does not have to represent necessarily a split with your family
You can sometimes have to leave for other reasons
People do leave because they have problems with their family
Sometimes people leave because of opportunity they want to be somewhere else
And you go back home
I'm the same
Same
And i recently said to my mom
I've been away from home for twenty five plus years
And i had this conversation whether
And i said look at i love you guys
I like to be with you
So i don't really know how to explain why i've been away for so long
What i'm doing
And she said to me
Oh
I was new
You go
Ia yshe said go
Maybe she thought youwere going to move to london or brussels
Well
It's true
But i mean london and brussels are also a journey away
And the journey might be three hours or a monbe twelve hours
I happen to have choand one one twelve you oi mean
I know that's further
And it's psychologically further
And we have to navigate
That i just don't know what the answer is i don't
Don't know that there's a black
And my answer to this
You just have to navigate the fact that if you're further away
Then you either let people go
And that's not an option
If their family and you still care about them
You have to find a way to balance still being there for them in some way or another
When i first arrived in china
It was letters
And it took a monument to do a letter back and forth between us and every letter meant so much
And
And we went to email
We could do more
We don't necessarily do more
But you could do more
You could send one every day if you wanted
And now we can
You cespeak on on aah cedeevery up or you know or call each other
And you
You can speak every day
You don't necessarily speak every day
But you can do that
It's not all up
Or you can stay in touch with your mm
And not be there
But at the same time if you go back home
And it's too difficult to be there
And they're not enough things to do
And you have bigger dreams
Then you have to find a way to navigate that
And somehow still be a presence back at home
Whether that's going back more regularly or um uh going back less
But talking all the time
And being like emotionally available
And being honest with people about what you're going through the worst thing
I think is the feeling of distance
Way you're like emotionally distance as well
But i think the physical distance candbring about emotional distance
And that's
That's a huge challenge
That's a huge challenge
And i'm also ii hear this color seems very young
And so i don't know
I can't tell how young
But i mean my initial reaction is to say just go for it
I mean don't go home at this age
When you should be out exploing things
So that was our listens questions this week they were great great brreally brilliant so normally at this point in the show
We'd be asking for your feedback on our advice
How would you have answer those questions
That we just answered we want you to send us your voice message
You saying what you think you can agree with us
You can say we got it wrong
Or just give your thoughts on the issues
That the questions raised send your audio messages to the usual conttext the which at official account
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Which question you referring to okay
That's it folks
Thanks to the team
Much shall you joe for helping us get set up here
Et the transcript for this show is going to be out on all our social media platforms
If you look for us under the name
The overshare faitting who shyou'll ll to find find i'm
We'll see en next time
I'm right see you next time
I Yeah
