Sing As We Go - Gracie Fields
For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
On the whatnot near the 'atstand in the 'all
It didn't seem to grow
'Til one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall
So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he's planted it against the garden wall
It shot up like a rocket
Til it's nearly touched the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
We couldn't see the top of it
It got so bloomin' high
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
When father's had a skinful at his pub
'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad
And getting into scrapes
You'll find him in his bare-skin
Playing Tarzan of the apes
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
We have to get it watered
By the local fire brigade
So they've put the water rates up half a crown
The roots stop up the drains
Grow along the country lanes
And they come up half a mile outside the town
Once we hired the crystal palace for a hot house
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down
The tom cats and the moggies love
To spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
They all begin meowing
When the buds begin to sprout
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
The dogs line up for miles and miles
A funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end
And wag their tails with glee
So I've had to put a notice up to say
It's not a tree
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
It's getting worn and weary
And its leaves are turning grey
It's the oldest Aspidistra in the world
So we water it with
Half a pint of Guinness everyday
It's the stoutest Aspidistra in the world
The Borough Council told us
That we've got to chop it down;
It interferes with aeroplanes
That fly above the town
So we sold it to a woodyard
For a lousy half a crown
It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world
The biggest biggest
