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allrightsoreadytodiveinweretacklinghowtobedablebyjuliecraftcheckthisonesforyouobviouslyssinceyousisusourwayweknowyourelookingtokindofdecodethewholemoderndatingscene
andmaybefindthatyouknowhappyending
yeah
andyouknowwhatifindinterestingabouthowtobedaable
itdoesnttrytolikesugarcoatthings
youknowitdivesrightintowhatjulieknewtheretheauthorscallafullonlovecrisis
alovecrisisuhthatsaprettydramatic
isreallythatuhroughoutthereinthedatingworld
wellthebookyouthisissomestatisticskindofmakesitthinkyouknowitmentionsthatalmosthalffofusadultsthinkdatinggottenharderinthepasttenyears
sowwowitsnotjustlikefindingadayforsaturdaynight
thisbookreallygoesdeepintohowmuchrelationshipsaffectus
youknowordontaffectusifyourenotinoneyouknowgoodrelationshipstheyrelinktolikemorehappiness
peoplelivelongerbutlonelinessthatcanactuallybebadforyourhealth
soitsnotjustaboutlikesweepingrightandfindingsomeone
itactuallyaffectsourhealthandhappiness
thatskindofwhilesothatswhatthiswholelovecrisisthingcomesinexactlyitslikethisperfectstorm
youknowknowyougotthedifficultyoffindingsomeone
andthentherealconsequencesifyoudontsothatswherejulianandcommentsandtheytually
tuallywrotehowtobedable
ablesoontheiryouradcastdatablesdslikesuperpoble
oh yeah
iveheardofittheyvetalkedsomanypeopleaboutaboutdating
theyrereallygettingintoliketheneetigrityofwhatworksandwhatjustcompletelyfailsinmoderndating
sotheyvebasicallytheyvedoneallthetheGGtheresearchforusa
sowhatdidtheyfind
canyougiveusalittlepreview
welloneofthefirstthingstheydo
istheykindofbreakdownuhdatingpersonality
thatofthesefivelikearchitypes
theachiever
thedreamer
theenergizedthemagiccinthethinker
whothatsinteresting
whichoneofmyidoyouthinkpeoplearejustoneisitkindofmorecomplicatedthanthatusuallyitsamix
butyeah
oneisusuallylikethemainoneletstaketheachieverforexample
thisissoundumfamiliarsupergoaloriented
youknowplanningdateslikebusinesstypes
yesyreforthethelikehtionnhrelaststonekkrightmaybealittlebitofmeinthereidoloveagoodplan
whatabouttheotherumwhatweretheycalledarchitypes
yeahsolikecomparethattothedreamer
theyreallaboutlikefollowingtheirheart
sometimesitmeanstheyignorelikeredflags
becausetheyresofocusedonpotential
thebookreallygetsittoeachone
anditcouldbecuofsurprisingtoseeyourselfinthepeople
youredatinglikethroughthatlens
youknowtomean
yeah
yeahitslikehavingasecretdecoderringfordatingsospeakingofmysteriies
thebooktalksaboutthesetrapsofmoderndating
whatarethoseallabout
whothosearesneaky
theycanseemlikenormalthings
eventhingsthatlikesocietyexpectsonethatsuhreallyinteresting
isthisthingtheycallreallyexpectationofloveondemand
thinkaboutit
wewanteverythingrightawaythesedays
butexpectlovetoworkthesamenight
itcanreallymessyouup
oh itold
howwegetit
itslikewhereprogramtothinkloveshouldbelikeinthemovies
youknowsudddensparkagrandgesture
aboomhappyending
exactly
andthisbookdoesagoodjobofshowing
howthatsnothowitworks
itremindsusthatlikerealloveloveatlast
kes
keskesititkesefefttitittauhyouknowreallygettingtoknowtheotherperson
sonomoreexpectingtofindtheonewithjustafewswipesgotitwhataresomeoftheotherhtrahimreallycuriousaboutthesettlingparadox
howcanbeingafraidtosettle
actuallyleadtosettlingthatdoesntmakesenseitsabitofumparadox
rightweresoafraidofsettlingthatweendupfixatedontheselikelittleuthesesuperficialqualitieswecreatethischecklist
thatmightnotactuallyyouknowleadustowhatwouldreallymakeushappysoweresobusylikecheckingoffboxes
thatweforgettosee
ifweactuallyconnectwiththepersonbehindthemyeah
andthebookusesumraaystoryasanexample
shewassofocusedonfindingguywhowastallfunnyandsuccessful
shemissedsomereallybigffgsyeah
sheoverlookedhowheactedhisemotionalbaggageallbecauseonpaper
hewasliketheperfectcatch
oh
thatskindofbetoughitis
butitmakesyouthinkrightwehavetolookbeyondsurfaceandreallythinkaboutwhatmakesarelationshipyouknowgoodwehavetobehonestaboutwhatwevalueandwhatweneedtofeellovedandrespectedsoditchthechecklistfocusongenuineconnectionmakessense
butitmayouonetrapthatuhreallysitouttome
relationshipchicken
ifeellikeweveallbeenthere
oh yeah
relationshipchickenisaclassic
itsthatthingwereyouavoidbeingvulerablebecauseyoureafraidofgettinghurtorlikebeingtheonewhocaresmoreitslikebecauseweirddance
wherenoonewantstomakethefirstmove
soyourestucklikenotsayinghowyoufeelandmissingconnectionsyeah
andthebooktellstoriesstories
shesdatingthisguythreemonthslikehimalot
butshewastooscaredtoactuallylikedefinetherelationship
didntwanttosccamoffoyeahigotthatitslikewereprogramtolikeplayitcool
evenwhenweredyingtojustsayhowwefeelandthecrazythingisthebooksuggestthiswholethingisfuelledbyhowmoviesandTVshowsportraaydatinglikeitssomekindofgametobeoneitmeanlikewhoeverfalinlovefirstlossesexactly
butthebookwantsustochangethat
itremindsus
thatagoodrelationshipisaboutworkingtogether
nottryingtooutsmarteachotherorwinsohowdowegetoutofthisrelationshipchickengame
thebooksayshonestyandbeingvulnerablearetheantidotesstopplayinggames
expressyourfeelings
focusonactuallyconnectinginsteadoftryingtowinsomeone
itsaboutshiftingthatholelikescarcitymindset
youknowthatideathattheresonlysomuchloveouttheretoanabundancemindset
believingthatlovesoutthereforayeah
andwhenwebelievethat
thenwecanletgoofallthat
thatdefensivenessandjustbeourselvesexactlyaspowerfulshiftingfromscarcitytoabononanceandatleastperfectlyintothethefivestepframework
thebookgivesusforescapingthesetratraps
andyouknowactuallyhavingbetterdatingexperiences
anditallstartswithlettinggo
lettinggothatsoundsprettydeep
lettinggoofwhatandwellweretalkingaboutbaggagefrompastrelationships
thosebelievesthatholdusbackyouknow
andthoseuthoseselfabotaginghabitsthatkeepusfromfindingthelove
wewantokay
imonboardofthat
buthowdoweactuallydothat
thatsoundsuhaloteasiersaidanddone
thebooktalksaboutsomethingcalledrejectiontherapy
whatsthemyeahrejectedtherapyisthisinterestingidea
whereyouputyourselfinsituapwhereyoumightgetrejectedonpurposethegoalisdidlikegetusedtorejection
soitdoesnthavesomuchpoweroveryou
soitslikefacingyourfeartoumbuildupthatresilience
thatsactuallyprettysmart
butdoesthatlooklikeinreallife
thebookgivessomefunnyexampleslikeaskingastrangerforapigybackride
ortryingtogetafreedrinketofbar
theysoundssilly
butitsaboutreframingrejection
likeitsjustredirectionnotapersonalattack
oh
ilikethatsoinsteadofseeingrejectionaslikeahityourego
orseeitasacoursecorrectionleadingyoutosomethingbetter
exactlyitsrecognizingthatnoteverythingsmentallast
andthatsaok
itsaboutliketrustingthatyourebeingguidedtowardstherightpeople
therightexperiencesokaysorejectiontherapyhelpswiththefearrejectionctionelsecanwedotouhletgoofthoselimitingbeliefsinselfsabtagingpatterns
thebookalsotalksaboutrewrwriting
knowourstoriesaboutreadatingweallhavethesethings
wetellourselveslikearenogoodrelationships
orialwayspickthewrongpeopleandthesestoriestheycouldbecomelikeselffufillingpptheseslikewerestuckinaloopofuhourownnegativethoughts
yeah
exactly
butthebookonantstoreallylookatthosestoriesandchangethemsoinsteadofsayingimnogoodrelationships
youcansayimlearningandgrowingandimbecomingabetterpartnerlikeweretakingcontrolofthestory
insteadoflettingthepastrewriteourfuture
absolutely
itsaboutrealizingwehavethepowertochangeourstoriesandcreatenewpossibilities
thatspowerfulstwevegotlettinggoofbaggagerewritingournarratives
anythingelseinthislettinggofacethisiswherethingsgetreallyinteresting
thatsbooktalksabouthowattachmentstylesaffectourdaypatternshaveyouheheardofatachachmenttheory
iveheardtheterm
butimnotsure
itotallygetit
itsthiswholeareaofpsychologybasicallysaysthatourchildhoodexperiencesespeciallyearlyontheyshapehowweformrelationshipsasadultssolikeourrelationshipwithourparentsthataffectshowweinteractwithumhromanticpartnerslaterlifethats
thatsforayyahandthebookgointointodifferent
differentatachachmentstylesseureyouranxiousavoidenandfearfulknowingyourownstyle
canyouyournatiateddatinginmoremoreumselfawarewaywithmorecompassiontoitslikehavingadecoderringforourownemotionalpatternsandthoseofthepeopleweredating
exactlyithelpsusunderstandwhywereactthewaywedoinrelationships
thisitgivesusinsightintoum
youknowwhyourpartnersactthewaytheydo
thisisalreadysoinsidefilmorjustscratchingthesurfacebeforewemoveonthoughiwanttotouchononemorethingfromthislettinggofacebeforethebooktalkschchengenginghowwedefloveveisthatssoimportant
itsreallydedethinkaboutitwereconstantlybombardedwiththeselikesuperromanticizedideasoflove
biggestures
intensepassion
alwaysfeelingexcited
thebookwantsustolookpastthatandembraceadefinitionoflove
itsmorerealisticmoresustainable
soitsnotalllikefireworksinbutterfliesthosecanbefun
buttheyrenotthebasisforarelationshipthatlastandthatshealthy
itsmoreaboutfindingsomeonewhomakesyoufeelseenunderstoodandsupporteditsintheeverydaymoment
entonewhowhocelebratedyourwins
supportsyouthroughthetoughtimes
andmakesyoufeelsafetobeyourself
itsaboutfindingsomeonewhossgotyourback
notjustsomeonewhosweepsyouoffyourfeet
exactly
anditleadsustothenextstage
gainingclarity
clarityokaythatsoundspromisingwhatdoweneedtogetclearonexactlythisstageisallaboutfiguringoutwhatwereallywantandneedinarelationship
notjustgoingthroughthemotionsorchasingwhatsocietytellsusweshouldwantokayimdefinitelyreadytoditchthoseexpectations
wheredoweevenstartthebooktalksaboutthisthingcalledourdatingwhywhichislikemainreasonwereevendatingwhatarewehopingtofindcompanionship
asenseofbelongingsomeonetoshareadventureswithorsomethingcompletelydifferentthatsagreatquestion
ithinkalotofusstartdatingwithoutyouknowreallythinkingaboutwhyitseasytojustgetswatupinitallyouknowdatingappsocialpressureallthat
butactuallytakingthetimetofigureoutyouredatingwhyitcanbereallyreallyhelpful
helpsyoufocusandmakechoicesthatlikemature
youreallywantitslikeamissionstatementforourlovelives
andimguessingthistizetothatdatingnorthstar
ideathatthebooktalksaboutexactlyyouredatingnorthstar
itsamixofyourdatingwhyandyourblackcoreneedsinarelationship
thinkofitasyourpersonalcompassfornavigatingtheworldofdating
itkeepsyougroundedinwhatmatters
andhelpsyoufilteroutdistractionsandfocusonfindingapartnerwhoreallygetsyou
youknowwhoallieswithyourvaluesineverything
soitsaboutfiguringoutwhatyouwantwhyyouwantitbeforewhatyouneedtofeelgoodinarelationship
exactly
andonceyouhavethat
thenyoucanstartmakingsmarterchoicesaboutwhoyoudateandhowyouapproachthewholedatingthing
thisisalreadysoinsightful
butbeforeyoumoveon
thoughiwanttocirclebackinsomethingyousaidearlieraboutumunderstandingourcourtneedsinarelationship
yeahthatsagoodithinkalotofus
myselfincludesometimeslikeskipoverthatstep
youknowyougetcaughtupintheexcitementofapotentialmatch
youforgettoaskyourself
doesthispersonactuallymeetmyneeds
itslikeweresofocusedonwhetherwelikethemthatweforgettothinkaboutwhethertheyactuallygoodforus
exactly
andthats
howthingscangowrong
thebookwantstofigureoutourtopthreeneedsinarelationship
maybeitsitssecurityintimacy
llectualstimulation
sharedvaluesyouknoworevenasenseofadventure
whatoveritisyouknowbyknowingwhatyouneed
youcanbemoreumpickyaboutwhoyouinvestyourtimeinenergyandlikehavingachecklist
butinsteadoflikesuperficialstuff
itsaboutthethingsthatmakeyoufeellovedandfulfilled
anditsnotaboutfindingsomeonewhocheckseverysinglebox
itsaboutfindingsomeone
whomeetsthosecoreneeds
sowhowantstobuildrelationship
thatfeelsgoodforbothofyou
sowevegotourdating
whyourdatingnorstar
andandourcoreneeds
whatelsedoweneedtokeepinmindasaswenavigatethisadatinglandscape
thebooktalksaboutsomethingcalledtheperfectpartnerequationcanyoubreakthatdownforus
yes
sothisequationgoesbeofthetypicalchechecklist
itlooksthethreeimportantthings
fundamentfeelingsandfuture
okayimintriguedwhatarefundamentals
fundamentalsarethosedeeperqualities
thatuhalignwithyourvaluesandmakeagoodfoundationforarelationship
thatlaststhingslikekindnessintegrity
empathy
emotionalintelligence
嗯
anduharedssinceahuorisgoodtoosoaboutfindingsomeoneyoureallyadmireandrespect
notjustsomeonewholikemakesyoulaugh
soitslookingpatatinitialattractionandaskingyourselfoftheiragoodpersondeepdownrightthenyouhavefeelings
thisisabouthowyouwanttofeelaroundyourpartnerdoyoufeelsafesecityinspiredchallengedmaybeitsaboutfiguringoutliketheemotionalvibe
youwantinarelationship
thatmakesalotofsense
thatsnotjusthowtheymakeyoufeelitshowyoufeelwhenyourewiththemandfinallywehavethefuture
whatisthatincludefuturesaboutwhetheryouandyourpartnerhavesimilargoalsandvisions
doyoubothwantkidssimilarcareeraspirations
cityyourcountry
itsaboutmakingsureyourebothheadinthesamedirection
soyourecheckingforcompatibility
notjustfornowforthelonghall
exactlyandthebookmakesitclear
youneedallthreefundamentalfeelingsandfutureforarelationship
thatsreallyfulfillingthisperfectpartnerequationisuhreallypowerful
itslikearoadmaptoarelationship
thatcanactuallylastitisanditremindsusthatchoosingapartnerisabigdeal
itsworthtakingthetimetoreallyfigureout
ifsomeofagoodfit
notjustafundaysowevecoveredlettinggoandgettingclarity
whatsnextinthisfivefiffifthframeworkworkbooksaysitsimportanttoshowup
authenticallywhenyouredatingcanyouexplainthat
itssoeasy
thatlikepresentthisperfectversionofourselves
youknowespeciallywithonlinedating
butthisbookencouragesustoditchthattobeourselvestobegenuinemakesenseitslettinggooftheneedtobeperfect
andjustlettingyourtrueselfoutyeah
andthatcanbehard
especiallyyouvebeenheardoryoureafraidofrejection
butbeingreal
thats
howyouattracttherightpeoplethatswiththebooks
asthebooksharesmyastory
shewasapproachingdateslikejobinterviewslikecheckingoffalistofqualities
insteadofjustenjoyingtheyeah
andthathighlights
howthatwholeperformancethingcanactuallygetinthewayofinreallyconnecting
thebooksaysaskyourself
whoami
whennooneswatching
andthenbringthatpersontoyourdateslikeditchthescriptandbeyourselfandyeah
itcouldbescary
butitsalsoreallyfreeing
whenyourenottryingtobesomeoneelse
youcanconnectwithpeoplewhoactuallylikeyouforyou
andthatleadsustouhvulnerabilityrightyeah
weoftenthinkofvulnerabilityisaweakness
butthisbookseesesitasstrength
itsaboutsharingyourrealthoughtsandfeelings
eventhemessyonestocreateadeeperconnection
takingachanceonbeingseen
evenwhenitfeelscary
itsaboutlettingyourguarddown
andlettingsomeonein
evenifitmeansyouknowyoucangethurt
thattakescourageitdoes
butthepayoffishuge
whenweletourselvesbevulnerable
wecanconnectonadeeperlevel
wecreatespacefortheotherpersontobevulnerable
too
andthats
wherethemagichappens
thatsbeautiful
sosowevetalkedaboutbeingauthentic
beingvulnerable
whatsnextthenextstepisinvesting
appropriately
thisisaboutbeingsmartwithyourtimeandenergy
knowingthedifferencebetweensomeonewhosfuundeddate
andsomeonewhocouldbeagreatpartnerokay
buthowdoyoutellthedifference
ithinkalotofusyouknow
strugglewiththat
itsnotalwayseasyespeciallybeginning
andthebookhavesometoolsininoitsideaisthisfailfast
mentalityfeelfast
thatsoundskindofhharshmaybe
butitcanreallychangeyourthinking
insteadofagonizingoverwhethertogivesomeoneanotherchanceyoutrust
yougetandmoveon
ifyouseesignsthatitsnotgtawork
itsitsacknowledging
thatnoteveryconnectionismeanttolast
youdonthavetoforceitexactly
anditsnotaboutgettingupeasily
itsaboutrespectingyourowntimeandenergy
ilikethatbeingintentionalwithyourchoicesandnotsettlingforlessthanyoudeserve
andthebookhasthistoolcalledthedatelens
ithelpsyoudeperatewhatmakessomewhatafundatefromwhatmakesthemagoodlongtermpartner
oh
thatsoundsuseful
ivedefinitelyuhmixthoseupinthepasthappistoeveryone
thedatelenshelpsyounotgetlikecarriedawaybytheexcitementofanewconnection
itremindsyouthoseearlydatesarejusttoglimpseyouknowrealcompatibilitytakestime
soyouhavetobepatient
andlettherelationshipyouknowunfoldnaturallydontjumptoconclusions
exactly
andjustbecausesomeitsfuntohangoutwiththatdoesntmeanthoughtherightpersontobuildlifewithsobediscerning
lookbeyondtheinitialarcansee
iftheresrealsubstance
whatelsecanhelpusknow
ifsomeonesworththeinvestment
thebooktalksabouttheonlyseventhingsthatmatter
whenyourecheckingoutapotentialpartner
whatarethosethesearethenonnegotiablesforinstance
consistencyiscrucial
doyourpotentialpartnerfollowthroughdotheyshowupforyouthatsabigone
ifsomeonesunreliable
itshardtotrustthemabsolutely
anotherimportantoneiswhethertheybringoutthebestinyou
doyoufeelsupportedandencouragewhenyourewiththemdotheyinspireyoutogrow
ilovethatagreatpartnershouldmakeyoufeellikeyoucandodoanything
andwecantforgetaboutsexualchemistry
itsnotthemostimportantthing
butitsstillimportantinromanticrelationship
okay yeah
iagree
andtheresthisthing
thebookcallsitthesundaytest
soyouvejustwiththispersonsonasundaylikejusthangout
itsenjoyothererscompanyevenifdonthaveplans
oh
ilovethatitsbeingabletobeyourselftogether
noneedforfancydatesarelikeconstantentertainment
exactlyitsaboutenjoyingthesimplethings
thosequietmomentsofconnection
justbeingcomfortabletogether
sowevegotconsistency
neutralsupport
sexualchemistry
andbeingabletojustbeyourselftogether
withwhataretheotherthreethingonthatmatterwellanotherthingtoconsideriswhetheryoucanhavefuntogether
canyoulovebesilly
createjoyfulexperiences
lifetooshorttobewithsomeonewhotakesthemselves
tooseriously
yes
lifeshouldbeanadventure
andyourpartnershouldbesomeone
youcanshareitwithabsolutely
andcanyouhavethoseliketoughconversations
canyoudisagreerespectfully
workthroughconflict
everycouplehasdisagreements
andyouneed
youknowyoucanhandlethosetogether
thatssotruecommunicationiskey
especially
whenthingsgettough
andthelastthingonthelistiswhetheryoucanbeyourselfcompletelywithoutholdingback
doyoufeelsafe
beingvulnershsharingyourthoughandfeelingsingswithoutbeingjudgedtorejectedthatsthefoundationofanygoodrelationship
feelingsafeandacceptedforyouareexactlywhenyoucanbeyourtrueship
thatswheretherealconnectionhapphappens
soitsconsistencysupportingeachothersexualchemistrysharedfuuntoughconconversationsandfreedomtorejeselfthosearesomeprettysolidcriteria
theyareandthebookreallyemphasizesthoseasthethingsthatmattermostinthelongrun
youknow
focusonthosecorequalitiesthatmakeastrongconnectionnotthesuperficialstuffokimreadytoditchmyoldchecklist
andfocusontheseseventhings
whatelsedoesthebookcoverinthisinvestingappropriatelyfaceiremembersomethingaboutbeingtheCEOofyourownlovelife
whatsthatallabout
itsabouttakingcontrolofyourdatinglife
youmayconsciouschoicesaboutwhoyouletinyoudecidewhogetsyourtimeandenergy
youdontjustsitaroundwaitingforsomeoneelsetolikeruntheshow
itsaboutembracingyourpowermakingchoicesthatalilinewithyourvalueswhatyouwantilovethat
itsaboutsteppingupandtakingchargeandnotbeingafraidtosccarewaythewrongpeopleweoftentrytobewhatwethinkotherpeoplewant
butthisbooksysbeyourselfdontapologizeforitandbydoingthatyoufilteroutthepeoplewhoarentagoodfit
itsaboutattractingtherightpeoplebybeingyourtrueselfnottryingtopleaseeveryone
andyeahicouldbescarytoputyourselfouttherelikethat
butitstheonlywaytofindreallove
thatswhatthebookshassowevecoveredlettinggogainingclarity
showingupauthenticallyandinvestingappropriatelytsthelessstepinthisuhprocessofbecomingmoredatablethefinalstepisperseverance
itsaboutstickingwithitknowingthatfindingsteveoffintenlikeAAmarthonnotnotspspinttedstacommitittedevencommithardoryoufeeldiscouraged
soitsaaboutnotgivingupevenwhendatingfeelslikeanupperbattle
exactlyyoucanhavebaddatespeopletogetitghostyou
youmightdidntgetyourheartbroken
butthebookremindsus
thatthoseexperiencesdontdefineustheyrejustopportunitiestolearnandgrowtobecomebetterpartners
thebooksharesjuliysstory
shejustsendedalongmessyrelationship
andshewasfeelingdown
thenshegetamessagefromapsychic
whosaysyouknowyourpersonisjustaroundthecorner
andthepsychicadvicejustkeepgoingamazingrightaregetthismessageofhopeforallofus
whoareouttherelooking
lookinglove
itsforreminderderevenwhenitfeelslikewevebeensearchingforevertherightpersonisoutthere
youjustgottakeepgoing
itsabouthavinghope
havingfaithandbelievingthatitsallonnaworkoutevenwhenitsstuff
anditsabouthavingasupportsystem
thebooktalksaboutbuildingalovearmies
thosefriendsfamilymaybebethereristwhoarethereforyoumatmatter
whattheycanremindyouofyourworthofferadvice
itjustlisten
whenyouneeddeventitsareminderthatwerenotaloneinus
andyouhavetobecareful
whoyoullletinyouknowwhatyoumeananeveryoneneedstobeinthefrontrowofyourdatinglife
itsaboutsurroundingyourselfwithpeopleyouarereortivewhobelieveinlove
andwhowantthebestforyousocreateapositiveenvironmentforyourheart
foryourlovelife
exactly
andsometimesthatmeanslikecreatingsomedistancewithpeoplewhoarenegativeorwhojustbringyoudown
itsaboutprotectingyourheartandmakingspaceforlove
thatssuchagoodpoint
wecantcontrolwhowemeet
butwecanchoosewhoweletinfluenceusabsolutely
andthatleadsustoanotherstrategyfromthebookunderstandingyourdatingdealbreakkersalbrebreakers
thosearethenonnegotiables
rightthethingsyoujustwontputupyeah
andthebookwantsustobereallyclearaboutourdealbrekersbigandsmallwithtrulyimportantwhatvaluesandqualitiesareyounotwillingtocompromiseonnomatterhowcharmingsomeonemightseemsosettingstandardsandnotsettlingforlessthanyoudeserve
anditsgoodtorememberthatthosedealbrekersmightchangeovertime
whatwasadealbreakerinyourtwenties
mightnotbeabigdealinyourthirties
你的这个stayopentonewnewpossibilibutalwaysalwaysbetrtoyourself
thisissoinsightful
ifeellikeimreallylearningalotaboutmyself
andwhatitrulywantthats
whatsgreataboutthisbook
itsnotjustaboutfindingapartner
itsaboutgettingtoknowyourselfokay
imreadytoditchmyolddatinghabitsandstartusingthesestrategiesbeforewewrapupthispartisthereanythingelsefromthebook
youwonahighlight
是的 对的
ididthemaintakeawayisempowermenthowtobedableremindsus
thatwehavethepowertocreatethelovelives
wewantwedonthavetowaitforlovetofinduswecancreatetherightconditionsforittogrow
soitsabouttakingcontrolandmakingchoicesthatyouknowfitwithyourvaluesinyourgoalsexactlyandrealizingyourworthyoflove
you
youthepowertoattractthekindofrelationship
bethatthatssoinspiringitremindsusthatwerenotjustplayersthedaatinggame
meknow
knowwecanactuallywriteourownlovestories
andthebookwantswithyourtheriright
youknowembracethewholejourneydatingcanbetough
butitcanalsobeexcitingandultimately
itcanleadustothatspecialsomeone
itsaboutbelievingitsallgnaworkout
evenwhenitfeelslikeyouvebeensearchingforeverandaboutonlinedating
thebookhassomegoodadviceaboutthatspeciallyintodaysworld
oh
onlinedateitsawholedifferentworld
whatdoesthebookssayaboutthat
thebookknowsthatonlinedatingcouldbelikeoverwhelming
butitalsosaysitcouldbeagoodwaytomeetpeople
especiallyifyouuseittherightway
soitsnotjustmindlesslyswipingleftandrightrightputsomethoughtintoyourprofile
choosepicturesthatreallyshowwhoyouarerighttobiothatreflectsyourpersonality
soputyourbestfootforward
butbegenuine
exactlyMBpickyaboutwhoyouconnectwithreadthoseprofiles
lookforsharedvaluesandinterests
startonlinesationsthatactuallymeansomethingtreatonlinedatinglikeyoureacumeetingpeopleinreallife
notjustplayingagameandsaidboundaries
dontfeellikeyouhavetorespondeveryone
orgoonadatewitheveryone
whomessagesyou
yougettochoose
sotakecontrolofyouronlinedatingexperience
dontletitcontrolyouandrememberonlinedatingisnttheonlywaytofindlovebeopentomeetingpeoplethroughfriends
hobbies
justbychanceyouknowlolovedontputallyourexxmbasketspeakingofeggs
thebookhas
hasreally
reallyinterestingpartaboutbibiologicalckckhowwhataffefedatingespecispeciforwomenenthatsbigtopicespeciallyforawomeninthearethirtiesandforties
whatisthebooksayaboutit
itacknowledgesthatthebiologicalclockisreal
butitalsowantsustoquestionallthepressureandexpectationsaroundit
嗯
everywomansexperienceisdifferent
theresnorighttimetohavekids
soitsabouthonouringyourowntimelinemakingchoicesthatfeelrightforyou
notwhatsocietytellsyoutodoexactlyandbehonestwithyourselfandyourpartners
aboutwhatyouwant
ifhavingkidsisamusthaveforyousaysoearlyonthatssoimportant
honestyiskey
andanyrelationshipabsolutely
andthebooksaystheresnoshameinwantingkidsjustliketheresnoshameandnotwantingthemifwhatfeelsrightforyou
itswhatowningyourchoicesnotlettingfearorpressuredictateyourlifeandrememberawomansworthisnttiedtoherabilitytohavechildren
wearesomuchmorethanthatthatssopowerful
wearewholeandcompletenomatterwhatandthebookencouragesaswomentoembracetheirfemininity
theyrecentrtialonpoweroweyourdesires
expressyourneedsandcreaterelationshipsthatfeelbalanced
thisconversationissoempowerifeellikeimgettingawholenewperspectiveondatingmetoo
andthatswhatmakeshowtobedaable
soesastial
itsnotjustaboutfindingapartner
itreallyisagiyousomanylikepracticaltoolsandinsights
youknowgoingbacktothoseuhthisthreetakeawaybeingintentionaldesigningourlovelivesandchoosingtobelievewhatreallystuckwithyouwastheonethatthatjustreallyclicickedknowknowmemeitsthatemphasisonselflove
thatwholeidealikefillingyourowncup
firstyoucantreallyshareyourlifewithsomeoneelse
untilyouvedonethatyouknowitssounworkingonandhonestlylythinkitsagamechangerfordating
ittotallygetthatitseasytolikelookforsomeonetocompleteyou
butyouhavetobeknowhoallonyourownfirstexexactlyhowtobedaable
reallymakesthatclear
itsnotaboutchangingyourselfforsomeoneelse
itsaboutbeingthebestuse
soyoucanattractsomeonecomesrightfortherealyouspeakingofbecomingthebestversionofourselves
thebubahasthiswholesectiononlikestrategiesandinsights
canyougiveahighlights
theressomuchgoodstuffinthereitshardtochoose
butonethatalwaysstayswithmeisumrewritingthosenegativestories
wetellourselvesaboutdating
ahwegiveusanexample
whatkindofstories
oh
weallhavethem
thoselittlevoicesthatsayimnotgooduhforumthererefinfindanyonethereknowmayvehadsomebaddatesyoustartthinkingyourejustunluckyinloveforapastrelationshiphurt
andyourestillcarryingthatbaggage
oh
iknowthosevoicestheycangetprettyloud
yeah
butthebooksays
wecanfightbackchallengethosenegativestoriesandswapthemforsomethingpositive
soinsteadofsaying
illneverfindanyoneyousayimopentolove
therightpersonisoutthere
itsaboutchangingyourperspective
focusingonthegood
whatotherstrategiesareinthereanotheroneireallylikeisthedatelends
ithelpsyouseethedifferencebetweengooddateandagoodpartner
oh
thatsagoodone
iknowivedefinitelyconfusedthistobeforeithappens
butthedatelenshelpsyouseethingsclearlythinkaboutthedate是的
对的
didyoufeelheard
didyouhavestuffincommonwastheirrealconnection
solookpast
thesurfaceoffthefancydinner
thewoodiconversationandseeiftheresarealconnection
exactlythebookremindsisthatafundatedoesntequalagoodpartner
someonemightbegreattogooutwith
butnothavewhatittakesforarealrelationshipthatsimportant
sothedatelendshelpsyoukeepaclearheadandmakegoodchoices
andwhoyouspendyourtimeout
whatotherstrategiesreallystoodout
whatthatsreallyrelevantthesedaysisunderstandingandmanagingattachmentstyles
youmentionthose
thoseyoucanremindus
whattheyaresureattachmenttheory
sasaysourchilhohoodexperices
cesespeciearearlyonshapehowrelatetopeopleasadults
andtheretherefourmaintypes
secure
anxious
avoiddenandfearful
andhowdoesknowingyourattachmentstyle
helpyouwhenyouredatingithelpyouunderstandyourownrelationships
howyoureactinrelationships
sayyouranxiousandrelationshipsitmightalwaysbelookingforreassuranceorfeeling
insecureaboutyourpartnersfeelingsicanseehowthatwouldmakedatingdifficult
itcanwhenyouunderstandyourattachmentstyle
youcanstarttoseethosepatterns
andthenyoucanworkondevelopinghealthierwaysofcoping
thebookhasstrategiesforeachstyletohelpyoudatewithmoreselfawarenessandconfidence
soitsaboutknowingyourself
yourneeddsyou
youbuildbetterrelationships
exacactakeownershipofyouruhemotionalbaggage
anddontletitruleinyourchances
iffindinglovethisbookisfullofsomuchwisdom
itslikeemotionalintelligencefordating
itreallyisiappreciatethatitgoesdeeperthanjustlikesurfaceleveltips
andnersitreallydigsintotheemotionalwork
youneedtodotobuildlastingrelationships
speakingofemotionalwork
thebooktalksaboutfiguringoutyourdatingwhy
andyouredatingnorthstarcanyouremindus
whatthoseare
andwhytheyreimportant
absolutelyyouredatingwhyisyourreasonfordatingwhyareyoudoingthiswhatareyoulookingforcompanionshipbelongingsowhentogotoadventureswithsotheytotallydifferent
itsadefiningyourpurposefordating
yeah
andonceyouknowknowyoucanfifigureoutyourdatingnorthstarthatsyourdatingwhyplusyourcoreneedsallroledintoone
itsyourguideinthecrazyworldofdating
ithelpsyoustayfocusedonwhatyoureallywant
soitsabouthavingavisionforyourlovelife
andusingthatvisiontomakechoicesexactly
andthebooksisyouredatingyourstarshouldbesomethingexcitinginspiringsomebodythatkeepsyoumotivated
evenwhendatinggetstough
itslikeaccomppusthatpointingtowardsyourdreamsilovethat
anditsnotjustaboutfindingaloner
itsaboutbuildingalife
youlovealife
thatfeelsrealoffulfilling
nomatterwhatyourrelationshipstatusesthatssuchapoint
youhavetofindhappinesswithinyourself
notrelyonsomeoneelsetogiveittoyou
exactly
andwhenyoudothat
whenyoubuildalife
youlove
youbecomemoreattractivetopotentialpartners
youjustyouknowradiconconfidence
andpeoplearedrarawntothat
itslikethatsayingwhatyouseekisseekingyouyes
andthebookalsotalksaboutchallenginghowwethinkaboutlove
whatdoyoumeanbythatwerealwaysseeingtheseperfectversionsoflove
thefairrytales
thesolmates
theideathatloveiseasy
andyourealwayshappy
thebookwantsustolookbeyondthattoembraceamorerealisticviewoflove
soitsnotalllikerosesandchampagne
thosethingsarenice
buttheyrenotwhatmakesarelationshiplastrealloveisaboutcommitment
communication
compromise
itsaboutbeingwillingtoworkthroughthehardtimestogether
evenaboutchoosingtolovesomeone
evenwhenitsnoteasy
evenwhentheyrenotperfect
evenwhenyourefrustrated
itsseeingthegoodintheimperfections
youknowthestrengthinthevulnerabilities
itsaboutlovethatlastthroughtheupsanddowns
exactly
itsrealizingthatloveisanaction
notjustafeeling
youchoosetolovesomeone
everydaythroughwhatyousay
whatyoudo
andyourcommitmenttothemthatspowerfulloveisachoice
notjustafeelinganditsachoiceyoumakeoverandoveragainspeakingofchoices
thebooktalksaboutbuildingalovearmy
canyouexplainwhatthatisyourlovearmyisyoursupportsystem
thepeoplewhoarethereforyou
nomatterwhatyourfamilyfriends
maybeatherapstanyonewhogivesyouloveencouragement
andsomeonetolistenlikeacheerleadingsquadforyourlovelife
exactly
andyouneedthosepeople
especially
whendatingishard
theyremindyou
thatyoureworthyoflovetheyofferadvice
andtheyjustlisten
whenyouneedititsareminder
thatwedonthavetogothroughthisalone
andyouhavetobeintentionalaboutwhoyouledintothatinnercircle
whatyoumean
noteveryoneneedstoknowallthedetailsofyourdatinglifenotroundyourselfwithpeoplewhoarepositive
whosupportyouandwhobelieveyoucanfindlove
soyourecreatingasafesupportofenvironmentforyourheart
exactly
andsometimesthatmeansettingboundarieswithpeoplewhoarenegativeorbringyoudown
protectyourheartmakesspaceforlove
suchagoodreminder
youcantchooseyoume
butyoucanchoosewholiatntoyourlife
absolutely
thatbringsestoanotherstrategyfromthebookfiguringoutyourdatingdealbreakers
dealbreakersthoseofthethings
youabsolutelywonttoleraterightright
andthebooksaystobereallyclearaboutthosedealbreakkers
theyoncesmallones
whatsreallyimportanttoyou
whatdoyounotwillingtocompromiseonsoyouresettingstandardsforyourselfnotsettlingandyourdealbrekersmightchangeasyougetolder
asyoulearnandgrow
whatwasadealrecoratetwentyfivemightnotbesoimportantatthirtyfive
stayopenbutstayuetoyselfselfissohopeful
ifeelfeelimimlearningsomuchaboutmyself
andwhatiwantthatswhatiloveaboutthisbook
itsnotjustadatingguide
itsaboutselfdiscovery
okayimreadytogetridofmyolddatinghabits
trythesestrategiesisthereanythingelsefromthebook
thatyoureallywantahighlightbeforewewrapupthispartonethingthatreallystuckwithmeisthatfocusonpersonalresponsibility
thebooksays
wehavethepowertocreatethelovelives
wewantwerenotjustvictimsofcircumstance
wecancreateourownromanticdestiny
soitsnotaboutwaitingforlovetohappen
itsabouttakingactionandmakingchoicesthatgetyouclosertowhatyouwant
exactly
anditsabouttakingresponsibilityforyourownhappiness
youcantexpectsomeoneelsetomakeyouhappy
ifyourenothappywithyourself
thatstruehappinesscomesfromwithhim
andwhenyourehappy
youremorelikelytoattractsomeonewhosalsohappy
yougiveoffgoodvibes
andthatattracpeopleyoudoes
anditsaboutchoosinglove
youknoweverydayyoumakechoices
thateitherhelpyoufindloveororgetthewaysobemindfulofyourchoices
andmakesuretheyalignwithyourdesireforalovingrelationship
exactlychooseloveineverything
youdo
yourthought
yourwords
youractionsinyourrelationships
thatsbeautiful
ithinkthatsagreatplacetoendthispartofourdisculision
iagree
icantwaittodiveintothelastpartpartofthebook
italkaboutitsmessageofhopeandpossibility
metooimreadytolearntodesignourlovelivesandbuildtherelationshipsofourdreams
好的 好的
对不的 okay
sowerebackreadyforthefinalpartofhowtobedatable
andthelasttwopartswe
youknowwevereallyduginalotlotgreatinfofromthislovecrisistolettinggovethoseuhyouknownegativethoughts
fifigoutwhatwe
wereallywantourlovelives
yeahitsbeenajourney
ynowwereliketheheartofthebook
youdesignyourlovelives
thatsreallyresonatewithme
itsabouttakingeverythingwevelearn
andactuallyusingityouknowwerenotjustwaitingforlovetohappen
werebuildingtheloveliveswewant
exactlyitsaboutrealizinglikeweactuallyhavecontroloverourromanticdestinies
werenotjustyouknow
sittingaroundhopinglevelfindus
wecancreatetheenvironmentforlovetogrow
soitsabouttakingchargemakingchoicesthatlineupwithourgoalsandourvalues
andputtingourselvesoutthereexactlybeintentionalaboutwhoyoudate
howyoudateandwhatkindrelationshipwewanttocreate
andthebookgivesusthreekeytakeers
rightcanyouremindus
whattheywantthefirstoneisbeintentional
notattachedapproachdatingwithapurpose
noyouwantthefirstdont
donttrytoforcetheoutcomesomakechoiceswithintention
butdontgethunguponaspecificresult
exactlyyoucantforcesomeonetolikeyouortofalllove
youcanonlybeyourself
andletthingshappennaturallymakesense
itsabouttrustingtheprocess
rightbelievingthattherightpersonwillshowupeventuallywhatsthesecondtakeawayDIYyourelovelife
DIYorlovelives
lovethat
itsabouttakingcontrolcreatingalovelife
thatreallyreflectsyouexactlyforgetaboutallthoseolddatingrules
thosesocietalexpectations
yougettodecidewhatasuccessfulrelationship
looklikeits
itsbasononyourvalues
youronants
itsaboutbuildingarelationship
thatworksforyounotforlikesocietyorsocialmedia
exactlygetridofthoselimitingbeliefs
andcreatesomethingreal
somethingthattrulyrepresentsyousofreeing
whataboutthelasttakeaway
thelastone
andmaybethemostimportantoneistochoosetobelieveinlove
thatsbeautiful
itsaboutstayingpositiveandkeepingthefaith
evenwhenitshardyeahbelievethattherightpersonisoutthere
andthatyoullfindthem
itsaboutenjoyingtheride
theabsentwounds
knowingthatyoullendup
whereyouresupposedtobe
andthebooksaystobe
youlooksomeoneincredible
itsthehealthestrelationship
you
youeverhadoneyoudesignedtogether
wow
thatgivesmechills
itssohopeful
sofullofpossibility
itssayingthatwecanfindthelovewewant
andthattheworkwedo
nowisleadingusthereitisitsaboutbeing
intentionalbeingsoawareandchoosingtobelieveinlove
thisdeepdivehasbeenamazinghowtobedaableismorethanjustadatingbook
itslikeaguytofiguringoutwhoyouareandrealizingthatyouhavethepowertobuildthelovelife
youdeserveitreallyis
anditremindsus
thatloveisajourney
enjoytheussondownstrusttheprocess
andknowtheyllallworkoutintheend
soaswewrapthingsup
whatslikeonelastpiecesadviicebasedonthisbook
thatthatwould
wouldgivetoourlisteriiaworkingtoyourselfdatingcouldbetough
butyouareworthyoflove
justasyouarebevulnerable
butyourselfoutthere
andtrustthattherightperswillcome
comealong
thatsgreatadvicebetoyourselfrealtrustthejourney
anddontgiveabanglove
thishasbeenanamazing
deepdivesoinsightful
soempowering
thankyouforsharingyourknowledgewithus
thisismypleasure
ihopethisdeepdivehelpsourlistenercreatealovelife
thatsauthenticjoyfulandfulfilling
untoourlistenerkeepexploringtheideasandstrategiesinhowtobedaablelife
thisbookcanreallychangeyourlovelife
maybeevenyourwholelifesogoouttherecreateyourownlovestory
anduntilnexttimehappydating
