I'm Afraid Of Japan

Nippon! Won’t you take me into your arms and make me

Into a sargeant, emboldened and enlargened

For some the spell was shafted, but I am in your sway

Yes, I am still enchanted by the ways of yesterday

To the public park, I walk my new wife

In the summer heat, I lose my head

I tell her that the army needs a modus operandi

I tell her where I really went that evening in Chelsea

I tell her I don’t think I’ll last another single night

She says “Yeah, right!”

If I do it with an ice pick, will I come back as a jock?

If I fast until starvation, will I be born again a Christian?

I hear that death by burning means returning as a girl

But only by seppuku can I retain my virtue

But all my efforts have only made

An army of greedy gays

Will no one read The Sound of Waves?

Oh, oh, I am afraid