Well, we was thinkin’ about goin’ to Philadelphia
So I said to myself, “Hey listen self, we oughta get on a aeroplane and go first class
We hadn’t been on a plane in years
Not because of any flyin’ fears
We just hadn’t wanted to go any place further than a tank of gas
So I made reservations and packed one bag
And Charlene packed everything she could drag
And we took a cab to the passenger drop-off zone
I gave them our tickets and showed ‘em I.D.
So they could make sure it was her and me
But then at security you won’t believe all that went on
Oh, the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
Since flyin’ became a contact sport
You take off your coat and belt and shoes
But that’s not all they make you lose
No the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
Well, I took off my shoes and rings and watch
Then a guy said I need to check your crotch
And I’ll need to see those liquid toiletries
He gave me a grope, a squeeze and a pat
And I’ll tell you friend when I got to the vet
They treat my old bird dog with more dignity
There was a woman in line in front of my wife
I never seen nothin’ like it in my life
A guy grabbed hold of her like it was their honeymoon
“If he touches me like he touched her,” Charlene said,
“He’ll buy me dinner first
And then we’ll have to get us a motel room.”
No, the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
Since flyin’ became a contact sport
You take off your coat and belt and shoes but that’s not all they make you have to lose
No, the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
I retrieved our luggage and rented a car
I said “Self, Philadelphia just ain’t that far
That I have to be subjected to all this mess.”
But as I was leavin’ I saw Charlene
On her third trip through the body screen
It takes all kinds to make up this world, I guess
Now I only pray some son of depravity
Won’t hide TNT in a body cavity
Cause imagine then all they’ll put us through
And Obama, Nancy, Harry and Hillary
Would probably say “Well, what’s the big mystery?
Just let ‘em eat cake and fly private jets like we do?”
No, the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
Since flyin’ became a contact sport
You take off your coat and belt and shoes but that’s not all they make you have to lose
No, the skies just ain’t friendly anymore
You know, when you think about it, those T.S.A. folks probably don’t like it anymore than we do. But then some of ‘em might like it a whole lot. Oh well, I guess it’s don’t ask, don’t tell, I guess.
I was thinkin’ about optin’ for the full body X-ray scan but to tell the truth I just don’t look that good nekkid anymore.
But Charlene got extra copies of hers, says she’s gonna use them on next year’s Christmas cards. Yeah, she’s been through so many times we don’t need a night light anymore. She got a part time job at the lighthouse. I know what I’m gonna get her for her birthday—a shade. A big shade.
