I Still Look Up

The elevator stops on my floor

I look up before I think

For months I knew your footsteps

Before you reached the door

Some nights you came in talking

Some nights you barely spoke

I got good at knowing which one

Before you took your coat off

You're not coming back

I know that

My body

Doesn't always know it yet

I still look up

When I hear keys outside

When somebody slows down

On the other side

I know it isn't you

I know how this ends

But some part of me

Still waits to find out

Which version of you

Is coming in

I still look up

I used to listen from the bedroom

For the way you closed the door

Too hard meant don't ask questions

Too soft could mean even worse

I hated being that careful

I hated getting good at it

Now the apartment stays quiet

And sometimes quiet feels like missing you

Nothing happened tonight

That's the strange part

Nothing happened

And I kept waiting for it

I still look up

When I hear keys outside

When somebody slows down

On the other side

I know it isn't you

I know how this ends

But some part of me

Still waits to find out

Which version of you

Is coming in

I still look up

Last night the elevator stopped

I heard someone laugh

A door opened

Then another one closed

I looked up

Then went back to what I was reading

A minute later

I noticed

I hadn't listened

For anything after that

I thought missing you

Would feel more like wanting you

It doesn't

Sometimes I miss

Knowing what to be ready for

Even when I hated

What I was ready for

Tonight

The hallway went quiet

And I let it

I still look up

When I hear keys outside

Sometimes

I still notice footsteps

On the other side

I know it isn't you

I don't have to check

The elevator leaves

The hallway goes quiet

And this time

I keep reading

Another door closes

I don't look up