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Songs I Can't Listen to Anymore - ArlenaZara
There's a playlist I haven't deleted
Three years of songs you made for me
I told myself I'd press play someday
But I'm not there yet, honestly
It started with that song from the summer
The one we played with the windows down
Driving with no destination
You singing loud, me laughing at the sound
Then came the ones from the hard months
When we'd fight and make up in the dark
You'd put on something sad and slow
And we'd find our way back to the start
Now every chord feels like a time machine
Every lyric pulls me back to who I was
I don't know if I'm scared of remembering
Or scared that I remember and still feel the buzz
There are songs I can't listen to anymore
Not because I hate them, but because I love them too much
They're locked in a box with your old sweatshirt
And the taste of your lips and your touch
I thought by now I'd have reclaimed them
Made them mine again somehow
But some songs still have your fingerprints
And I'm not ready to touch them now
I heard one playing at the grocery store last week
Stood frozen in the cereal aisle
My hands were shaking on the cart
And I couldn't even fake a smile
The cashier asked if I was okay
I said yes, but we both knew I lied
It wasn't the song, it was the memory
Of dancing in the kitchen, nowhere to hide
Now every chord feels like a grenade
I never know when one will go off
Some days I can hum along just fine
Other days I have to turn it off
There are songs I can't listen to anymore
Not because I hate them, but because I love them too much
They're locked in a box with your old sweatshirt
And the taste of your lips and your touch
I thought by now I'd have reclaimed them
Made them mine again somehow
But some songs still have your fingerprints
And I'm not ready to touch them now
My friend asked me why I don't just delete them
Erase the playlist, burn the evidence
But it's not about the songs themselves
It's about making peace with what happened
I don't want to hate the music I once loved
I don't want to give you that much space
I want to walk into a coffee shop someday
And hear our song without seeing your face
Maybe it's not the songs I'm afraid of
Maybe it's the girl I was when they played
The one who thought love was supposed to hurt
The one who stayed long after she should have walked away
So I'm making a new playlist now
Songs that never knew your name
Songs I'm writing for myself this time
Songs that don't carry your shame
I'll get back to the old ones someday
When they're just songs again, not monuments to us
When I hear them and think of me
Not the version of me that I lost
Not the version of me that I lost
I'm finding her again
One song at a time
One song at a time
I'm finding her again
