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So welcome to life balance
Now what is life balance
Say we have to have some definition here
So i'm going to use the following one
You might disagree but just for our purposes
I think that life balance is the ability to achieve professional and professional goals
While maxizing happiness and minimizing stress
So life balances the ability to achieve personal and professional al als als maximimizing happiness and minimizing stress
Now you can't eliminate stress
So and when i'm talking about minimizing stress
Uh i mean to a level that is appropriate
And if you have a pencil in paper hand
Yeah
I will not collect this
You do not pay them to the front of room
Uh just do the following draw lines that are in the shape of an l
You know a vertical line and at the bottom of horizonline in l
And then to the to the right of that
In that space you create draw a belker
So you've got this vertical line connected to the bottom of horizonline
And then in that space you have a bet curve in there
The vertical line left line is productivity and the horizonline on the bottom m stressed
And so at the bottom left is low
And at the right is high
At the top is high and basically what i've helped you to draw here is the following when stress is very low at the bottom left productivity tends to be low
And that's because you have no imputest to move in the workplace
That's an entitlement kind of mentality
But in our personal lives
It's sort of a dull complacency on the other hand
If you go way up to the far right with stress is very high
Once again performance plumits
And that's because we're paralyzed in a workplace
We might be fearful in our personalize we might be afraid of making a decision and so paralysis sets in
But in the middle of the bottom line is where you hit the peek of the vertical line
That's maximum performance and that's a manageable stress level
And so the opposite of distress is you stress
And when you have um
When you have the proper amount of stress in your life
Then you have a sense of urgency
The adourinalen is blowing
You feel a sense of of um willingness to take risk
And i really think that's what balance is about it's not ultimate safety by any means it's the willingness to have the um
The risk taking and prpruent is taking presiin our lives
Instead as bad as it seems
So you know this is principal called akcomes raiser says named ed after fellowhim the william of accomm and for those of you into such things
He
He lived from twelve eighty five to thirteen forty nine and opcomes razer is often cited with very cuyou
People know what it means and what it really means is that the easiest answer or root or solution is usually the right one another worst complexity design increased chances of being right
And so if you
If you create convoluted models
It doesn't mean 're going to be any act more accurate than taking the most reasonable and saanest and easiest
Of course now in my life
In my consulting work
When people say it hears when i do that i tell them stop doing that i mean
Basically
That's what my consulting life is i
I've never tried to make it more grandios
Than that it takes on variation to takes on wrinkles
But that's really what it's about so in terms of
Of what you and i do
If you wanted know what somebody's budget is for example
You ask them what your budget i mean what's the worst that can happen
They say i don't know
I won't tell you
But the shordest the quick st sway outcomes
Raises what's your budget instead of going around the block to get next door
Hehow long have you been in the position
What of the grants of authority
Hey
How much will illing to spend
When you know the answer about something you should act so for example
When i know that i am inconvenience
Because i've run out of razor blades
Or i've run out of afprin
Or i've run out of paper clips or computer dissuever it is the answer is simple
Keep a larger inventory
And when the inventory gets down to a quarter or planish it that way
When i need something
I never have to worry about scraaming to find it
And so similarly uh if you know the answer you act
If you don't know the answer find someone who does you know i had a chimney problem here that i couldn't resolve
And so i found it such such thing as a certifiy chimney
Chimney specialist
I didn't try to resolve it
Myself that would it take me four years to learn about chimneys
Nwhy did i go to somebody who sort of is um a chimney cleaner
I went to found such a thing as a certified chimney specialist
And by digression by the way in all of your careers
The more use such yourself up with that kind of expertise
The what people would tend to find on you as the easiest course as upcomes raisor
And so if you can't do it yourself find somebody who can and get it done
So let me start in some of the keys to life balance with that is a as my profatory statements here the first can when to talk about is non compartmentalizing our lives
I say that's soll
Because when i say it fast
I get all messed up non compart mentalizing ing lives
Ves we aa life not perpersonal life in a professional life
And we can to draw arbitrary lines of demarcation
Which means that we're never really feel children in apart
And we're never really using either with these arbitrary reports to our best advantage
So what i like to suggest the people
And what i practice is blending time to things as passion moves you there's nothing wrong with doing a proposal at ten o'clock in the evening
And there's nothing wrong with being at the beach one o'clock in the afternoon
This is your life
Now it's one thing
If you're working in organization america
If you work for potential insurance
You decide to go the beach at one in the afternoon
You're onna have a problem
But i think almost all of us on this call our refugees from that kind of a life
And so if we don't rethe benefits
Its having left that kind of life
Why should we just suffer some of the risks of being out on our own
And in being enentrepreneurs so do things
When the passion moves you to do it
You'll find a much more productive that way instead of staring at a blank ge
Because you've decided wrright an article into in the the afternoon
And you can come up with something if the spirit moves you
It's seven in the morning
Right the article you know put breakfast off for a while plan your day
And by planning your day in terms of life balance
Here's what i've found to be useful
Now you might want to buried us
You might stoff at my simplicity here
But upcomes raisor i find it if you assign yourself
Three major goals a day that's sufficient and they can be personal or professional doesn't matter a blend or or solely one of the other
But three a day is pretty good
I was just talking to someone in the mental program this morning and she said to me in a will would all should have be looking for
For an next call
What else i said what we've talked about us enough
Let's not make an reasonable expectations
Three major goals a day are pretty good
Nice
Don't me buy buy major or al al
I'm going
Going write ite a book tomorrow
But i do mean
I could write have the chapter
That's a major goal make too do lists
And the more too do lists
You make the more
You keep your life and viance ence
Because you have control over your life
You have control over your discretionary time
Never allow things to take a place
Where i get to it
When i can
Which is different from doing it
When the passion moves you
Because sometimes the passion doesn't move you
You know the passion has never moved me to take care of a donal appointment
So make sure that you make to do this
You get things done that don't start to pile up for you and a lot gh for the unexpected every good medical consult ant tells doctors never schedule wall to wall appointments
And you know doctors say well i'm charging by the procedure
I should fill up forty hours
Week know you shouldn't
Because when emergencies occurs they always do
If you have walto wall appoinintt's book in the domino effect takes place
And you get some very uny patients
So always the last flash time allow for the unexpected in the worst case
If you have nothing to fill the flash time play with the dog look at the sky
Seek about your life
Time use is never about time
I'll say that again
Time use is never about time
Time use is always about priorities
We all have twenty four hours in the day
We all have the same amount of time to use every day and tomorrow will be exactly the same
So the question is how do we assign our priorities
When you say i don't have time to see my kids soccer again
What you're really saying is i choose not to i choose to do other things instead
When somebody says i'd love to work with you in this
But the times not right
What the saying is there are other things more important to me
Right now what we want to do in our business lives is make ourselves a higher priority to others
And when we want to do in our perperonal lives
Ves make sure that the things that are really meaningful to us in life
Receive those higher priorities
So if you want to free yourself so call a sort of the eing steps
Here are five suggestions for doing that number one jetters in the baggage from the past
We hold ourselves up by continuing consider things
Things there 're no longer true
I really can't say that to him
I'm not worthy
I really can't learn to play the piano
I have no musical affinity
I wonder if i should really take partnant activity have never been good at it
We carry around this endless baggage that we learned
When we were kids
That is no longer
No longer appropriate
And so you have to jetus in the baggage
You ther buy examining it and saying yourself does this really describe me today
And i still let awkward or
Or scrony or um uh inappropriate
Uh kind of behave here that castitute to me
When i was young or am ia different person today and we can jetce in baggage by getting outside help to do it
I mean
Sometimes it takes their appete to help
Because the baggage has been biled on to such uh a heavy degree
If we get rid the baggage we're carrying around
We can act more freely
And we conact more rapidly
Secondly act based on best interest not a motion
Now you've all heard me say probably that large c makes people think an emotion makes them act
But here's a part that i don't talk about those context
So that is that's not always good
That's why you want up buying another television you don't need or a larger car than you really needed
And so far
So i'm talking for the other side of the counter
Now if you will i'm talking from the buyside not the seleler side
And what i wanted to think about is this
If you really want to act in your best interest
Take the time to think
Logically
When my son was at the university of miami drama conservatory
We would go down to see his players every year and one or two major plays ers a
And there's were directed by broadway directors and sofa there's a big deal program
And when he got to a senior year
They were staged in the grapes of rat
One of the great great american novels in place
And jay was up for the lead
He called the house and my wife ends red the phone
And he have to speak to me
Now those of you who have kids know that
Whenever your kids says can i speak to that
It is never ever ever good news
Never and so i picked up the phone
And jays said i didn't get cast
I didn't get the lead
He said
Naneally that they born him someone from outside the department to play the lead
I said how you feel
He said i feel angry
I feel betrayed
I feel outraged
He said i'm calling you to see how i should feel
And i said i feel the same way
And he said you
You wi ii quite ii would i feel exactly the same way
And i heard this exhilation of breath
You know i had sort of validated ted his emotions
I said
But now the question is what you do about it
He says what you mean
I said
Well i know what you're thinking
You're thinking that you could go to the direcct of the department and protest you ththking king
You could undermine the play by not participating it all
And telling your friends not to supported it said
Said you have a lot of options
I said all you could take a suppordinate role
You could take a featured role
And do the best you can in your last play school
That's what you have to decide right now so take a step back
And think about that
And he wound up playing one of the other roles
He dided to find job
And you know jason is as we speak at a five line role in the soap opper yesterday
So he's still still shwn supporting me
But the point is this uh you have to act based on your best interest
And not the emotions of the moment
When we act based on our emotions
We almost inevitably make strange or even unfortunate decisions
Because that's what emotions do do do
Now now rarather harmless
If you make an impulse purchase
I mean it worst case you have to spend some more money
But it can be very harmful in terms of relationships in your life
It can be very harmful in terms of things
You're trying to do with others
Where you want to exsert influence
So the second freeing position here is act on your best interest
Using logic matchest emotion number
Three
Two things that are at bounds
I've actually met people who have never seen snow
Ii know have it an an va kirky
But i've met people who have never seen snow
I've met people from canansas
So i've never seen the ocean
Uh i don't know how you can do that
It's one thing thing say i'have never seen the tachh hahaa well that should be you know the certainly reasonable objective you know but to have never seen snow or never seen the ocean and a country
As well as this is it hard to believe do things that rad of bounds free yourself by trying new things play a music instrument
Take up something that you think you
You h be poor at or take up something where your fear he's been at other people with so much better already try things right about about the freeing effect permietryour life number four distribute your energy over the day
I like to think of it this way refeel yourself
As you refeel your car
You can't expect just to step on the gas and go forever
And so consequently you have to refuel
And you have to refuel yourself
There is really no excuse for people to say you know at by three o'clock and the afternoon
And i'm just no good for major decisions
Anymore you know at the workplace place
We see here will don't talk to that person afternoon they're really warn down
Uh we all have different energy level
So so questioning about that
Some of us have higher metabolism
Some of us have different ways of keeping ourselves up
And
And some of us some more hyper than others
But the fact is we know what our energy level is it doesn't basically vary from data days short of outside traumatic experience
So consequently
We need to manage that
So manage yourself
That you refuel every day take the proper rest at the proper point reward yourself
And it's proper to reward yourself
Use something
That's light in place of something
It's continually heavy
That way throughout today
You
You maintain a high performance level
And you maintain a high high alertlevel
L know it is
It is bad
Not to thoroughly enjoy a recreation activity
Because you're burned out
It
It is as it is not to do a good job on a professional activity
Because you're burned down number five applies and discipline
You know freedom implies boundaries
That is you can't just have ultimate treatm there are always boundaries
If you look at the chaos theory or um mark y whweeat these book leadership of the science
Which 'll find is even chaos
Chaos creates patterns
And they've done as interesting experiwith with chaoc drawings and things
We are ultimately about ll create a pattern
And ultimately there is a boundary even to chaos
And so you have to apply some discipline
There are some boundaries that you need
There are some places where you should not go
There are some things that you need to do to retain your energy and to beat maximum effectivists
So in terms of freeing yourself
Jetzson baggage act based on best interest do the atbabounds
Things
Distribute your energy over the day evenly and apply some discipline
So that there are some boundaries out there somewhere
And i just want to say in here by by parenthetical statement that when i talk about rewarding yourself
And you're doing yourself
Think of it is tiding to yourself
You know tidings been very very common practice in various ligious groups
Over over years
Uh you five comes from ten percent
It's
It's the cocodinators
It meant to be ten percent
Um do you tifty yourself financially do you put ten percent away
Four savings four recreation
And do you twfth yourself in terms of your time
Do you put ten percent of your time away
To reward yourself to do purely random things to do things that are purely of you know wims are going into precious
Both in the short and long term
I found it ironically
When i bought a time share and ii won't burden you all with that story
That you've heard twtop times
But when i bought a time
Here it did something interesting
It forced me into looking at my time
Uh to take vacations
I had nothing to do with my business
And i hadn't been doing that
I stopped doing that
And so for me that was terribly
Terribly raying
Let me pouse here are you still low on the line
Anybody there yeah okay is this pace okay
Yes aren't we interactive okay let me go with some more things
And now ll pauis to see
If somebody wants to ask a question
Uh
And i talk before a bad stress in that bill curve
And you can go too far of that stress line
Too far to the right on the horizonal
So what do you do to to relieve yourself of stress
Because stress is a killer in life balance
You know there are two things that kill life balance
One is well
There are three things
Really one is stress
One is guilt
Which are separate
And then the third one are in
Are people who impose upon your time
Imposers these things kill life
So let's just talk about this stress
Here
Here is six ways to deal with stress into a liviate stress number one is identify the cause of the stress
And remove the cause not the effect another words
If you get stss sloaded on you every morning
And you deal with the afffects by working at the gimmerary afternoon
That is not very healthy
Because the next morning the stress gets dumped on you again
Now i'm just using mad of an arbitrary cycle
But i thinking it what i mean you have to remove the cause of the stress
And so if the course is a relationship
And the relationship if you possibly can't now with it's a spouse
There's a problem
But if it's somebody at work
If it's a colleague
See
If you can minimize the relationship stop trying to change your behavior to accommodate people who caused you great stress
Ah that
But by the way
That particularly applies the pass of aggressive behavior
Which is one of the most insidious kinds of behavior
There is
And if somebody's practising pass of aggressive behavior instead of trying to continually deal with it
Trying to minize ze your contact with that person so in terms of stress rerelief
Idenffiy so don't pack yourself on the back for putting a banddate on the effect
Number two in sure physical health
Uh this is serious
Uh this is not equitical
It's not like you know when they meet is good
Next day's bad milkers
Milk is bed
Um physical health is important
And so um make sure through check ups with your doctor through proper exercise uh and diet that your health is good
So number two would be ensure physical health
Number three would be regulate your diet
Number four would be enggage in regular exercise
And those three physical activities are very important to stress relief
You can deal with things better
If you are physically fit
You know life to sort of an endorance race in that regard number five eliminate carriers and by carriers
I said to somebody wce you
I've never had an answer in my wife said
That's
Because youyou're a carrier
Eliminate carriers in your life
These are people who bring stress to you
These are people who are relatively stress free
Because theyy're constantly imposing in on others
And so if you find um people who are giving you difficulty
And they're not people who you absolutely must be in contact with then minimize their um their presence in your life
And there are carriers
And so it just as as an arbitatory exexample
If you get some letter from your credit ard ard company drives you're crazy
Because you know they're wrong
And you know they giving your hard time
And they give it this number to call
And you know the stress is going to be just monstrous
Because you're going to be on the phone for fifteen minutes
They're going to be menu optes
Youare going to have to be on hold
Don't do that instead
Simply write the credit card company a letter and be done with it in two minutes
If you find it making reservations or a pain in the neck
And you hate being on the phone and waiting
And waiting then have you travel age
And do it
It's worth the twenty boxes
It'll charge whatever is so do what you can to eliminate the carriers in your life
And then finally twist the junk
You need to organize your life and what by twssing junk
I mean that there are things
That getting our way of that destroy our balance every day
And that includes not being able to find things
It includes worrying about things
That really have no bearing on who you are uh
It includes things like um creating difficulties
Which done exist it's like it's the situation way you say you know i bet you was he borrowed lalammore
He wouldn't return it
And that that's really abnoxious
You know that would be it's just a terrible way to treat me course the person he asn't even ask to borrow youlaone more
And so why get yourself worked up about things
That don't exist
You have to reorganize your life
Ves the junk is out of it
So here's a balanced of view
And i'll pause it after um one
Two
Three four five
These six things
And
And see if you want to ask anything
But here's a balanced of view
That i think will help in terms of of getting that the right orientation towaryour life
And and perhaps some that reorganization
Number one don't generalize specifics
You know maoiccurs when you say something this well he hasn't called me
So it's clear all men lie don't take a specific and genalize ze
You were late for the meeting
Thetherefore united team player you didn't call me today
Therefore you don't respect me look at things for what they are individual circumstances
Now if things happen every day or a pattern emerges
That's different but generalizing specifics creates great stress in life
Number two use positive self talk
If you get something
If you obtain something
If you achieve something
Then it should talent that put you there
You won't lucky
So think about what you do was talented not luck
And when something goes wrong
Um don't curse the fate
Find out why it went wrong
And tell yourself that there are ways to improve it
And here's how it is most of us don't use sufficient positive self talk
And there's a good book on this by a psychologist named martin soaligmman number three
Don't take it personally
And women are worse than minute
This uh have it a debate or argument
And you eieia back down or you get very concerned
Because the nature of the argument you're afraid will reflect on your relationship
You have to understand that people can oppose your idea
But still respect you
The australians are wonderful about this for those of have been to australia
You can have a vicious argument
You know
And somebody will say to you
You know that is the
That is the stupidest thing
That is the biggest load of crap
I've ever heard
And then no say okay
Let's have a beer
It's never personal
And so don't take it personally
We have disagreements every day
Um somebody said to me
You know how can your wife
And you''ve ried for thirty five years
And i said why you asking me that and he was divorce three times
And he said well you know i'm going out with this lovely woman now
And um i'm just afraid to have an argument
Whether because you know that will
That will be it
And i said you know if you take an argument is it
But you had a big problem
And so we argue all the time
That but he is how you get over the argument
And what happens after it
And putting it in context
And understanding that arguments are a normal board of relationship
And not taking it personally
But you know small wonder he was divorce three times
Um number before deal with it or forget it another words
Don't seek revenge
I meet a lot of people say you know what i should have said well
Either say it then or forget about it
So if you feel that there's been a slight
If you feel mitreated
If you feel that there's something that should have been done it wasn't deal with it the time or forget about it
But simply carry it around with you
And letting investor exacerbates the difficult to enthrodual of balance for the rest of the day
And sometimes even longer i had met people who still hoholding grudges from a high school
Uh one two two three four five
Here's how you deny pass ve aggresresves ves said said these with the worthe worst people in the world now
And then these are people who say something like um
Oh
Uh you went on the
You ent on vacation of the cararabbean
That's very nice
I guess you couldn't afford to go to europe
This year that's pass the aggressive behavior
You know and what you want to say is something like this
Do you really mean to be so hurful
When you say something like that
The way you do with the past of aggressive
If you must as you slamm them right between the eyes you tell let me know exactly what you're doing to do less than that simply enables the behavior silence
Actually enable to pass the aggressive
Because they feel they've gotten to you
And so deal with passive aggressives or forget about them
I mean if you can just do know walk away
Or they don't bother you
It rorols off
If you back
That's great
That's really mental health
But if it
If you need to deal with them
Then that's which you say do you really mean to be that hurtful
That was a very hurful comment and in number six set up
Win win not win
Lose relationships
Whenever you can
And you can almost all the time
People
People who look at sales for example as some kind of admissarial relationship
I find to have a very distorted view
When i find in that very successful sales is the ability to provide die to someone to return for some remuneration
That's a win win sales isn't where i win in the buyer loses of ice versa
And so the same thing in our personal relationships
Another relarelashiships should conststtly be win win
And so it's that a question and wilji
If we have to go to aa cousin's house for the holiday
They win in we lose
But if they come here we win in they lose
Vice versa it's got ta be win win
Let me poicy
If folks and ah i make any sense to have any questions
The floors open on a little little experiment
Ellen
This is said the book you mentioned was it martin salalisman
Yeah
Scligman and what was a title do you call um
I think think can hiyself talk yes well said again authentic one authentic happineet well auantia happiness was a second book
Ah positive was one yeah positive psychology es no no no anyway just google him
You'll find it yes yeah
Idem beliem what does it learn optimism
Learn dooptimism
Thank very much much yeah learn optimism
And in in the second book with a happiness work
I and i just wanted to thank you for i'm mentioning something that's really important
And that
And that had to do
When you said
Look
If you feel like writing that article of ten oclocka at the evening
I'm going to the bejof one o'clock in the afternoon and hell
Why not right that i was
I damait was the most important thing
I got out
Come come well know know it's
It's a freeeattitude
But it is aa lot it guilt to prevent you from thinking that way
But once you through that barrier
Then you can do those things all the time
Yeah
And boy
Your life becomes just just wonderful
After i mean
I really don't mind
You know um if i'm watch ing
Atv program at nine
Nine and
And at ten
There's something i want to watch
I don't
I come ing
And just seing what on my email
You know who cares
Yeah
Now i have you get some easy steps in terms of the self talk concept
Yeah
I read the book
Yeah well welin yourself thouthought it chanchange that well let's very productive it
You want to maxmumize the time by just getting a summary not reading the book
I appreciate it
Ah yeah would self talk you have to um discipline yourself this way what you have to say is when something good happens
You have to say what talent ter attributes of mine created that success
Instead of just saying wow i got lucky or instead of saying well will let me just accept that movie
I'm that's great
You really have to say um what attributes the trades of my contributed to that success
It's a variation of what i've been saying for a long time
Which is you have to build on strength
And so when you succeed find out why you succeeded there's really the same concept um when somebody else succeeds
What you should say is not those lucky dogs or they didn't deserve it
Or boy they beat me out what you should say is what attributes to traits
Enable them to win
Enable them to achieve them
And how can i mulate them
And that's positive healthy talk uthe the other idea
The converse is when you are down um
You don't say what was me
I've blown it again
What you say is you know what did i do wrong like can correct now if you're interested um in the book
He's got a test
That tells you what your natural state of learned optimism is and how good or bad you are at it
Which is kind of interesting
He also has a website somewhere where you can take the test online
But think think a cost a few bucks
But um you can do it the one you are come um anybody where i tomorrow alone
This is hery et um
Um the the the bulker that you talked about the the peak
There is the maximum performance
Um what you may be speak to that in terms of um i had i put yourself there
I mean
I can get there mostly as a function of time
When somethings do ii gna a get me me um what i call a mental state
Where everything really kind of flows the way it should um
But ii have a hard time putting myself there unless
There's a a time pressure well in that's a very good point
Because a lot of people you will here say i work best under pressure
A lot of people will say i work best under a deadline
And when chichips are on the table
And
And that's okay
If that's your normal behavioral said
But if you really want to get yourself to that midpoint in the belkcurve
The best thing to do is if you find it more
Often the night you're on the left hand slope of it
And you want to stretch more
Don't just allow you
You
I'm constanly reinventing myself uncostly trying things that are news for me
And some of them do don't work
And that's okay
If younot failing
And i'm trying so just stretch yourself
I mean let t's say that youyou're doing we works ops
And you going on vacations
And doing these things
Try it different vacation site or learn to schocuba dive
Or on the business side yit different different workshop
Or try uh uh put on teleconferences
But stretch yourself a little bit without being afraid of failure to move yourself more to that middle ground
If you find you around the right slope
And you're a little bit afraid to move
Because you feel overwhelmed
And you're little bit fearful
Then ask yourself what are the real priorities here
And let me slow off
Because it's not a priority
Because there's too much them involved with
And you can't move one hundred things forward a mile
You congoing to move free a four things forward a mile
You know the rest sting just just wheleland forward
And so that's how you maintain yourself in the middle
But you know how you don't worry about it
If you find you work well into deadline
That's okay as only you're not missing the deadlines
You know you say i work work on into deadlines
I miss the less for that and good right
But if you say i work well into deadline es and i hit all for that's just your work side
But that's great ok
If you look at the left hand side of that belkof the uperard slope on the lep
That's really an entitlement mentality
I'm happy
I'm complaced in my global complacent mentality
And if you look at the right hand side side where sloloes down again
That's a fearful mentality
You know you're raid id
But the middle one um we are the curve is peaks
That's a pride mentality
And when you are there
You are more willing to take risk
Youare much more willing to be innovative
And to say let's give it a try
If i fail
I will have failed in a good cause there's a book about this by dudith boardwick called the doom loop
I believe it is
And so if 're just esn't reading more about it
That's
That's age
Age modedel
But taltalks about it's a great lanengof maybe okay
Um
I'm going to plan your head
Then i want to my next siggment here is called guilt trip tips
And i talk before about guilt in one of the three things
I can really destroy life balance ces i ve had got four four four tips for you here
My literations running wild
I ve got four tips for you here under guilt trip tips number one uh recognize what guilt is it's a self imposed voice in your year
You know when people say what you really intimidme
Yes oay no no know you
You allow yourself to be intimidated
Oh
Boy
He really embarrassed me no
You allowed yourself to be embarrassed and the same thing with guilt
You allow yourself to feel guilt
He makes me guilty
No you make yourself guilty
So guilty is a little personal on shshoulder
All that baggage i talked about before whisring in new year
And that the good news there is you can flick the person of your shoulder is there not something superimposed or maintain there by external forces number two separate guilt from accountability and culability
Another words there are all legitimately things
That you and i are accountable for and that you and i are culplove
You know calte uncalte guilty up so not words
Um if i step on somebody's food
I'm culpable
And um ii would
Would mit to that own up to that
I would apologize if i stand somebody up at lunch um and don't forwarn them
Them i'm
I'm running later ii forget the appointment uncalpable
I need to tell them that similarly i'm accountable to do a lot the things
I'm accountable to return phone ls
I'm accountable table pay my bills and so forth and so one so accountability and culpability or real honest guide necessities in nice but guilt does not and so if you owe up to accountability
And you owe up to comforability
You don't have to feel guilty about it
Because you're dealing with a day and a day out and saying things like i don't know
I apologize my fault are tremendously werful ways to a swise silt to remove guilt number three you can allow for temporary emotional guilt
But then get over it
You know because long term it does you know good and so let's just suppose you made a poor choice about something uh
And that pochochoice resulted in you know some adverse consequences
You made a bad choice about hiring somebody
You made a bad choice about a purchase
You made a bad choice about recommending someone to someone else uh
You can feel temporary emotion will killed about that
You can say it
Oh
But i wish i'd never done that i bluw and so ofar that's culpability
That's okay
You okay
But that's temporary
And then you
You um uh that's eradicated
Because hanging around allowing it to stay with you does you absolutely know good
So recognize as i talk to jason on the phone recognizthat okay
I'm feeling guilty about this
You know it's got a left little bit ten
I'm getting rid of this
Um
I remeent with the woman said that you're going to be the certain conference
I said yeah
And she said youyou going to go out to dinner with them the nip before i said yeah
And she's what i'm going to get in late
Could you
Could you sort of save a seeat me at dinner
And if not leave a messages to where you will go after every drinks
Now i thought that was it really an imposition to ask that
That hh know don't take care your own life
But i said well you know ok
I'll do my best
And so it's look as that you know i have a more martinand i forgot about it
And so she didn't show up doing dinner
And i forgot to give a message to where we went the drinks two months later she calls me on the phone about something else
He's by the way i want to talk you about that night
I'm been carrying around since then
And i want to know my
My goodness
Know know shsh've been carrying around the fact and only a message war for two months
When she was going to got in near late you can't carry things like that around so deal with it at the time or let it go
And certainly if you i didn't feel guilty about that for more than five seconds number four
If the first three
Don't
Don't do it
That is if you rerecognize ing
The guilt is a self imposed voice
And if separating guilt from accountability
Aclforability
And if allowing for temporary emotional guilt and getting over
Dodoesn't do it
Then get it
Because if you still feel guilt on top of that
Then you need a therapeutic intervention
And i mean i have seen people to on the other side of my
My life here on the psychological ii want like i have seen people
Who you know throughout their lives have argued with a parent um
And then felt guilty later about having argued with that parent
I mean it's to lose
Lose proposition
Both sides that equation are wrong
So So if
If you can't deal with this guilt at a time and yourself
Then we all need health y times and therapiuto helpers is necessary
And if you want to lead to balanced life
I am a big believer and therapy
Now i want to show you something here
Maybe really really useful
And i know you know one of you said that i would got my worth out of this call
But maybe i can double it write down the following numbers
If you have a pending paper just just write them down
I'll repeat them twice
Eight five four nine one seven six three two zero
Okay
Once again
Eight five four nine one seven six three two zero
Now if you familiar with this on the honor system
Don't say anything
But if you're not familiar with
If i want you to tell me why have the numbers in disorder
That is there's a rational reason
This is not my social security number
It's not my telephone number
There's a rational reason for the order of these numbers
If you have not seen this before it does anybody know what it is they're in alphatical water
Yeah
Who got it sharing
Had you get that sharing it um
I read something about
Something similar about two weeks ago
And so i thought of it
When i saw it
When you ask the question
Yeah
Good thing
Thing though extreme something different
It was something different
But it just made me think of it good for you
And so this is not a number problem
It's an alphatic problem
Problem or you know a language problem
Have you want to say it
Because people don't get this
When i first thought ii dn't get it um
Because i kept thinking eight minus three as five minus one as why i can explain problem
Although we start the other end
You know yeah
But nothing works
Because there's no mathematical rah alsis that i either have been able to determine
Or anyone's been able to suggest to me
It's about letters
Now once we see numbers
Though we tend to assign a label
This says it's a numbers problem
The people who do worse to disby the way of math teachers
Because
Because are constantly looking for the secret mathkey to this
We can't afford to create boxes and labels in our lives in terms of life balance
Because boxes and labels killless they concan ine us
They constrict as the places
We shouldn't be you know we say or culthat um what perception is reality
I'm going to be counter cultural
Are going to be contraariing perceptions in form behavior
But are not always reality
Okay
So this bro mi the perception is reality
Really means we tend to act on the basis of our perceptions
Because it's all we know
But to me what that says is the perceptions in form behavior
But aren't of course
Always reality
So argo you have to test your perceptions all the time
And i think you have to test them in four areas
One is you have to test your perceptions about yourself
If you tell yourself you can't play the piano
You probably can't
If you tell yourself that you can't be successful dealing with somebody to given position
You probably can't
But is that really true
And so test these perceptions about yourself
And those really back to the baggage
I talked to better earlier that we carry around
Secondly test your perception about others is this person really evil
Is this person really out to get me
When this person suggests something is it really win for them and lose for me
Or am i just perceiving that is it really a win win
Do i need to give this person some more slack
The thirty area is test beliefs
Do i really believe that i can't teach selfish i mean
Do i really have analogy or do i have always say what i can't teat chdfish
Do i really believe that meat is bad for me
I mean haven the scientists don't know do i really believe that i shouldn't travel overseas
Because it won't be good from my health testing believes you have about your relationships
About your yourself
About other things
That might be leading your strain
And then finally test circumstances um don't be so sure that you um your situation is what you might perceive it be
Can you change the tratrap te on quote that you think that you're in
Can you change the rut called on quote that you think that you're in
I could never leave my business today
I could never add this to my practice
I could never expect to do this as well is that really true
So i think because of this labelling phenomenon and because perceptions and forming behavior
We have to keep asking ourselves is what i'm seeing really true
I need to test this with the outside world
Now one of the real keys about balance to me is it's about maximizing discretiononary time
And
And that's a key distinction and discretionary time
Of course
It's time you can use anyway you want and if you can maximize discretiononary and the more you can create balance
I mean If
If twenty four hours a day is discretionary time
That's fabulous
But we all know we need six hours
Whatever is to sleep
That's not really discretionary
No matter when we choose to do it
We have to do that
There's other time
When you have to spend waiting in line or at the dentist or listening
You know to something on the phone
That's not really discretionary time
But there's a lot of time that can be discretionary
If we make it so so here are
Are six hths for that number one is stop interruptions member i talked about guilt
And i talked about uh these three factors in one of which was interrupters
People who impose upon your time stop interruptions uh for example forward your phone
And if you want to focus on something just forward your phone get back to people a similar number three limit your email
Um check it twice a day you don't to check it every twenty minutes the chances i does not something on there
That's urgent but urgent um you know they can knock on your door number four
Don't just endlessly surf the web
And don't endlessly read through blogs
I probably violany everyeverydy's belief system here
But i don't think web surfing is very very a productive unless
You're looking for something specifically
And i find that nineteen ty percent of any blog
That ever point point anatto me is preprety ty seless less that be be onanred to that you find particularly fascinating fine
But limit the time you spend on that kind of surfing activity number five turn your cell phone off uh there's no reason for people to be immediately in touch with you
Now you know borring a spouse
Whose ill or you do
Needs you what whatever is um
You know there are times when we all have to be contacted
You know a surgeon was uncall
But most of the time we don't and so use your cell phone to call and get messages and call people back
But don't allow it is a thing in your pocket or on your builter in your purse
That allow you to be constantly interrupted
And then finally in terms of of discretionary time think about this
I think that you can make one appointment or have three priorities at most per half day
And so if you've got a business appointment
And that's six to that half day
Now if you confelin some other things
That's graving
Or if you have three priorities
You want to write an article
You need to return some phone calls
Uh you need to um to upgrade a piece of software
Whatever is maybe you can fit those in a half a day
But i turn to look at one appointment or three priority items per half day that means in the course of a day
Six priority items or two appointments
Or you know you get the drift
So some lessons for balancer you know if you are on vacation
And you want to take a phone call
Or you want to call your office
So you want to check your email
Why not i just came back from the antiga
And i called in a couple of times a day
And i did my email a couple of times a day
And um you know manage also get my diving certification
And how to get a great day
And i have a good time
Uh there's plenty of time
If you look at discretionary time
The right way to do those things
And h who say in on vacation
I cannot talk about business
I think are arbituardelimmthemmselves and not get creating troup
Uh somebody said to me
I notice i gets your your balancing act newsletter
And that's my free newsletter by the way get on my website
I get you 're balancing act newsletter
And i notice it goes that if four in the morning
She said that's not very life balanced
How are you an example are it goes to the first fll
It goes out automatically at four in the morning
Because that's when the system sends
Because it's at least web traffic
I said
But number two what if i chose to send it
It four in the morning
Because it made sense me to do that
Because i felt like it
Who are you to tell me what my life balanance should be
And so life balance ces something it's individual for all of us
And we shshouldn't impose arbitrary rules
Well you know i get this kind of exercise you twek and so should do
Now you should the the erercise that you want to get each weeak question
Whether a phone call can replace a meeting
Uh ideal with people in the mental program all day long
All week long or monthlong long or you're long
Who are much to labor intensive in networand
I'm always after them
And i suggest to you can phphways ways to minimize labor intensity
So if a phone call can replace a meeting
Use a phone call
Uh most of us
Uh think that we need to be places in person
And we need to put in twice the time that we do
But as you know done
Well you know in an interview
We after twenty minutes they become repetitive
So a forty five minute interview is not better than a twenty minute interview
The two hour focus group is not better than a one hour focus group
And you know generally a thirty minute conversation of the coffee shop
Ebetter than a fifty minute conversation on the coffee shop
Especially if set mmalth to do so look to see what you can replace to create more discretionary time without enddgeing the quality of of life
Uh and ii ask you this
You know is
Is a pd a
You know is a blackberry or a blueberry
Or a huckkberberry
Whatever these things are
You know um are these things really better than a laptop
And i say this in this regard um and send your cards
And let this to the complaint department
But i see people you know with these these things
Frantically the pcking away like a woodpck around them with the stylus
Or and hitting something with their thongs like deplaying some video game
Yet
If i'll be my laptop with me on the road
Or can sit in right an article that i need to right you can't do that on with pd a
If i be my laptop on the road
I can deal with all kinds of sophisticated atatachachments
Cy the coming around outgoing and deal with these things
You know in airports and lounches and at the hotel
Everything's wilreless
These days and so sometimes being lighter is not really being smarter
Sometimes the more sophisticated technology is not
Is good
Is simply more basic technology so in the yeah
We have about ten twelve minutes left here
Here are three major guides
The balance that i really want to share with you before we end today
The first is what i call the art of the constant reward
And the art of the constant reward means the following i believe you should establish rewards for yourself every day
It makes the day like writer it give you something look forward to uh
And it give you you nice reprieve that is that refueling i talked about early or no phone call um that allows you to be a full blast in maximum efficiency
Um for the whole day so established rewards every day and those can be something as simple as you know
Walk with the dog
Or because you know watching a something you've recught on on tv for a happen hour
That you wanted to get to in the middle of day
Or reading a chapter of a book
Or going out for lunch
Whatever happens to be whatever your thing is or
Or because a different relatius
But establish these rewards doing the day
If you have a day that has no rewards in it
That's going to be an ownerous day number two um aim for periodic reward
And that means that aside to what you do every day um once a month
Once a week
Once a quarter
Whatever it is have something even more substantial uh youyour aiming toward
So that you have something on the horizon and it's always very attractive to you
And that could be a long weekend
You spend with a loved one
It could be uh a brieffication
It could be a trip to uh you uh uh theattrical event and what is it
It your planning periodically that represents ha reward for yourself
You can look toward number three
You're under the art of the constant reward
You can only help others
If you help yourself first and the reason for the art
The constant reward is that if you feel good about yourself
You can feel good about helping others
If you don't feel good about yourself when you help others
You feel like it's an infringement on your time
You feel like somethings and pinging upon you and that's never good
You know there's a on on take you to put your own oxygen mascun first on the airplanes
And so helping yourself allow ws you to help others
Financiit helps you to even a fill in topic with time
It helps you to realize you can volunteer time and contribute time without losing quote on quote time
Yourself so instead of some hydrauc c system
You're creating more discretionary time to spread around uh number four maximize the comfort of your routines
If you know you have to do certain things everyday
Then absolutely mamaimized their comfort
Don't constantly uum have to search for the same thing
Don't constantly have to go through uh uncomfortable effort to get something done
And that brings ing to the fifth a fact hear into constant reward eliminate what we all call necessary evils
So if you find that uh you always have to go to a different of of house to get something whwhether it's a lator or a book or whatever is then keep two letters or booooks or three attters and three bookeep ep close to you
Make you life easy
That comes undto the heading of constant reward
There's nothing
That says it's decade to have two of something
If it allows you to save time and to be more comfortable second major area is what i call brief deeply and brief deeply means that ding the day schedule that flex time i talked about
And that doesn't mean um from two fifteen to forty
Forty five um am going to you know go go
I
I'm do yoga
Although it might
But what it means is there's nothing scheduled from two fifteen to two forty five or from two o'clock to four o'ck ck
Whatever you want to make it
You know i try actually to end my scheduling it too and a lot of you apert me say can we do it late morning or early afternoon
And my reason for that is i usually work out in four clonings
I i'm taking the dogs for coffee uh
And i know that to be back and for nine
Nine or nine thirty um and i like scheme say full or play with the trains of something by two o'clock
And so i tried to schedule things
Late morning
Early afternoon
He can't always do it
I have a lot of overseas calls and for the other party's best interest
I have to do those at five o'clock and the afternoon and those things happened
But of course i can do that from the pool too
So schedule yourself with flex time
I'm sort of a master at that uh
You don't have to er day it to oclock b
You can certainly schedule uarrange your schedule
So you not conststently busy wall to wall a number two is building some exercise
You know i said i work out every other other day let me tell you something i hate it
You know i mean i know it releases
You know what anddo orphins and dorphins some orphins you h but um so what uh i just can't stand it
I mean
You know lifting weights and running on trade mills and running icyyle
I mean not some i look forward to
But i realized i have to do it
Because we'll ll make me feel better when done
And it does both eetionally
Epysically
And i know it keeps me in top shape to do other things
I have to do that day so build in the exercise number three use others to challenge yourself
And i have this under breathe deeply because otherwise what we breathe is our own exhaust
And that can be fatal so to avoid breathing irown exhausst use others to challenge you use others i mean
Whether you agree with them or not you don't to to do they
They vice you don't have to do what they say say might violendisagree with them
But you might just learn something
And they at the very least you
You learn what
Other people's perspectives are so it's important not to be quught in a little universe
Especially they went so many of us
Our loan wolves and solar practitioners and in doing your own thing number four underbreathe deeply becoman expert on something other than you're field
Uh it's
It's wononderly meditative long term experience to become an expert on something i mean
Whether it's quilting or it's stamps or its coins or it's geology
Whatever ver know you happen to be listening to an expert on the american civil war
You happen to be listened to an expert
Unnaval warfare
Um why i can't tell you
I just became grogross
When i was young
Uh another variation of this by the way
Which i learned in undergraduate school is you taken author or two
And read all of their work
And so i've read everything
The john uptakes ever written everything the john opvings ever written
I just read all of their work
I read everything
I've read everything as stephen jay goods ever written in the non fiction area
And so this helps you to breed deeply
Because it's almost a contemplate tive meditative kind of place
You put you in
You put yourself in
When you're pursuing these interests uh to that degree and in my final categorory debrief deeply
Which you might have expected is watch the animals
As you know i love animals
And i love dogs um
But i find that they can teach a great deal
They can teach a patients
They can teach you uh um focus uh
And they can also teach her how to enjoy life
I mean my dogs are really great to be in dogs
Because they have the baggage you wonderif jie mashould should should should would would be better fwewith a buffalo
I doesn't occuto them
They just get the best
They can be at being in a dog
And when i
When i study the animal psychology
And when was was going from ph d
Because there was so bored with human psychology
And i took any elective
I could get um one rider on the subject said that he believed he's closely
She can get to such beliefs
That dogs are their absolute happiest
When they are sitting around doing absolutely nothing
And he said dogs are maximually content
When they are simply sitting
There looking around
Pondering the world around them now um
If that's remoltrtrue and my observation would leave me believe it probabably uh h not a big creddo for us us us uh
And i don't think we should do that twenty four hours a day
But heck my dogs don't do that twenty four hours a day
And they're engaged in game playing and eating and
And other things
So why not um think about what the animals and doing take a look at them
And we learn luck from them
So that's brief deeply my thirty area of guides dedebalance after the art of the constant reward in breeding deeply is living in the moment
And living in the moment means to me
This my
My five points under here number one is ask what why and how and not don't just look at something
I don't just decide when part ask what why and how
What am i trying to achieve here
Why am i trying to achieve it
And how should i achieve it
That is what options are available to me
If somebody comes to you s then what why and how this is a new once i used in my coaching uh
Which most people don't even know i'm doing
But which works very well um what kind of vacation am i thinking about
And why am i thinking about that and how w's the best
Here's the best
How do i go about doing this what is it they want for me
And why and and how it asasme me
Or how should i go about responding to it
So in the moment ask yourself
What why and it gives you you a little better
Better framework and view of things secondly create wisdom
Not just smarts don't just look to assemble data and information
And and say well that's a smart person looked to create wisdom into me
Wisdom is knowledge
That you can use an advance
You know knowledge is information
You put together to react well
But wisdom is the use of knowledge in advance to anticipate into intermaximizyour life
Number three stand out the crowd
You know opposed the mundane
Don't be afraid to take a different position
Don't be afraid to take a popular position
But take it as the leader
I'm not insisting it be contraering
And i'm just insisting that you play a part
And so you know as long you know how as long as diyou know how you want to look when you stand out in the crop
It's be afraid to stand out in the crop
It's a healthy experience
Related to that is number
And that is volunteer
Uh with a volunteering a philanthroically volunteering your time
Volunteering your help
Volunteeryour expertise
Uh we only to help each other
And it's tremendous of rewarding experience
And of course you know i found in the mental program
I learn more than anybody else
And i think that's true for anybody
Who's in any kind of voluntary position
And number five is find love
Find someone to love
Find something to love
Um you need that kind of passion in your life
And uh whether it's other people
Whether it's pursuits and hobbies
Uh whether it's an appreciation in the outdoors
It doesn't matter what it is
Uh but maximize the loving new life
Because it creates a passion
That helps guide the balance in your life
So might reguides to balance of the art of the constant reward breathing deeply
And then living in the moment
Um you can improve balance
Immediately you can start today
Um
And there's no reason
Not to you know what's stopping you is what i asked you
Um i want to thank you for being with me today
I want to thank you for my little experiment in live teleleconference
Uh and i hope to see again
Soon meanwhile i'm going to go out and run with my dogs be good bybye
