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This elephant has incredible strength
She can upprot a tree with her trunk alone
Yet she will remain in captivity held by only a light rope
Despite her ability to easily break away
She doesn't even try
Why it starts when she's young
She's first tied down
When she's small and not yet strong enough to break the rope
She will try at first try as hard as she can to break free
And try
And try
But eventually realize she can't suddenly something attaches itself to her
That is stronger than any rope or chain or fence
It's the belief that she can't break free
It's this belief that holds her back
Despite her ability
I've had these same beliefs
You may have to believe that held me back
Believe that led me to feel unfulfilled in my work
To struggle in my relationships
And to live a life
That was far from the one i'm living
Now it was only when i became aware of my ropes
And actively pulled against them
That i found myself in a different reality
How do you break the ropes
That tie you down
Don't believe everything
You think when i was six years old
I had a favorite babysitter amber
One morning my mother told me
We couldn't have her babysit
Because she didn't have enough money to pay her
So that afternoon i started my first company
I gathered rocks from around the neighborood painted with my arts set
And went door to door
Selling them to our neighbors
That night it was amber an eye on the couch together
When i was young
I was bold
Outgoing and fearless i war
What i wanted or didn't want to wear
Guided by my own voice that told me
What would make me happy
I was also in love
His name was fernando
And he was wonderful as with everything else i wasn't afraid to grab him with both hands as i grew older this picture started to fade my exuurance was replaced with timendness
My leadership with conformity
My boldness with fear
I don't think any of us leave childhood without some ropes despite our parents best intentions
I grew up with a mother who was determined to give me the perfect life
Arms with love and good intentions
She did everything for me
To help me be perfect
I'd pack a sucase to go in a school trip
And she'd unpacket and repack it in a more perfect way
I'd be ready to turn in the school our project
And then she'd at her own brustrokes to make it better later
She told me
When my choice of boyfriend or apartment wasn't good enough
Although she just wanted what was best for me
I stopped knowing what was best for me
And unconscious rope was formed
I shouldn't trust my own voice and my own ability
And i feared not being perfect other ropes attached themselves too i grew in a family
Filled with yelling loud voices and strong opinions to keep the piece learn to stay quiet
To not rock the boat to become invisible in school
I came to believe it's more important to blend in than stand out
And the pain of an early heart break led me to hold back in my relationships
So i could avoid getting hurt
I'm not good enough
Don't speak up
Don't stand out
Fear failure
These were my ropes
This isn't just my story
Like the elephant
We all come to believe certain things in childhood
That weren't true
Or at least are no longer true
But we still live with them as if they are
If you've ever felt not good enough alone
Unwanted
Unloved
Invisible powerless like you don't belong
These are your ropes
If you've ever felt
You can't trust yourself
Trust others
Speak up
Stand out
Ask for help let others and be accepted as you are
These are your ropes
These ropes hold us back
I found myself to falting to other's opinions
When i should have been trusting my own staying quiet
When it would have benefted me to speak up and blending in
When i would have been happier
If i had the courage to stand out
This led me into a series of jobs that ranged from tolerable to miserable in one
I hoped i'd get sick
So i could stay home from work it led me into a series of relationships in which i lacked confidence in myself
The other person and the relationship these never worked out my beliefs affected the way i perceived the world which changed how i acted which led to a self fulfilling prophesy i felt small
And my world became smaller
What we believe has powerful affects decades of social psychology research backs this up in a study performed at dartmh college
In ugly scar was placed on participants
Faces with makeup
They were then sent into a room for a conversation
And asked a report
How people responded to them with this ugly scar
But here's the twist right before they left
The experimentor said
Hold on a minute
We just want to touch up your scar a bit rather than touch it up
They removed it entirely so unbenowed ed to them
The participants went into their conversations looking completely normal despite this they came back and reported how awkward their conversations or how people avoided looking
Looking at their scar
Troubble making eye contact and were tense and uncomfortable in the conversation
Their beliefs about their scar led them to see things that weren't really there
And to make meaning of innocent behavior
What could have been a perfectly normal conversation
Instead became an awkward one their beliefs created their reality
Other studies show the same effect highlight in asian woman's asian identity before a math test shall all perform better highlight her female identity shall perform worse leaad a group of man to believe an athletic task is diagnostic of sports intelligence
White men perform better leve them to believe its diagnostic of natural athleticability
Ility black men do gives them one a white coat
And tell them it's a doctor's lab code
We'll perform better on an attention task
Than when ent told it's a painters coat
In all of these cases same people same iabilities
Same tasks different beliefs
And in each case
It was their belief that raised or lower their performance
How you see yourself and your circumstances will affect what you see
How you act
And what occurs as a result
It's almost as our beliefs place ace a virtual reality headset on us
A headset that allows us to see things that aren't really there
And sends us into a false reality
We have these headsets
Even when they're miles from the truth
I remember hearing the top model cameron rushsell sharehow models despite having the shinest hair and the longest legs are some of the most physically insecure people on the planet and award widding author
Lidia
Yukknavch share how she didn't follow up on literary representation
She was offered early in her career
The reason in her words
We don't always know how to hope or say yes
Or choose the big thing
Even when it's right in front of us
It's the shame
We carry the shame of not believing we deserve it
Our headsets have us living into a false reality
They also caused us to bump into each other
Once i've been dating someone for a few weeks
We'll call him
Then we talked every day
Then he went on a work trip for four days
Silence
I didn't hear a word
How would you interpret this
What's the first thought that pops in your head
My belief led me to wonder what i had done or said to make this once enthusiastic person change his mind about me
I shared his silence with friends
One who admits she has troubled trusting people was she was on this trip with another woman
Another who admits he's afraid of rejection
Guess he was probably upset
Because i hadn't invited him as my date to an upcoming wedding and a third who was trouble with commitment
Gueshe probably thought we were moving too too
And was taking some space
Each person saw the same situation through the lens of their own headset
Who was right
How should i respond each of these assumptions leads to a different response moving too fast
I should pull back
But if he's feeling rejected
This will just hurt him more feeling rejected
I should add my calls and invite him to the wedding
But if he's things were moving too fast
This will just push him away
Further i was so confused as i was pingponging around in my own headset
While briefly borrowing some of my friend's headsets
This relationship died a slow death
Are you ready for what was going on in ben's headset
He'd been deeply hurt by a pasast relationship was afraid of getting hurt again and pulled away
When his insecurities got the best of him
It was none of the things
Anyone had gueessometimes our headsets get in the way of our relationships
It took me a long time to learn this just as our beliefs can hold us back
They can also propel us forward
Let's go back to the scar study for a moment
Imagine the opposite
Imagine the researchers plys something on the purticipan's faces
That leaves them to believe they look beautiful
And then remove it before they go into the social setting
Now
What do you think they believe about others responses
How do you think they show up differently
What difference does it make
If you believe you're ugly or gorgeous good at math or terrible at it good at sports or not it seems a big one
I finally learned this lesson
My headset led me to law school
There my long held false beliefs were reinforced aim for perfection
Follow the crowd fear failure
This was a familiar path
Then one day without thinking much about it
I signed up for a class outside the law school called design thinking boocamp a class that promised to unalleash my creative potential
I had to design innovative products and experiences or more accurately pull on almost every single one of my ropes
I had to trust my own voice
Because when it comes to innovation
There is by definition no one to look to for the answers
I had to put myself out there because innovation doesn't come from playing it safe and perhaps
Most importantly i had to be willing to fail
To be willing to not be perfect
The best designs came only after multiple failed the tempts
If i wanted to get it right
I first had to be willing to get it wrong
I struggled in this class
Because all of the things that would help me succeed
Were the same things i believe for so many years i shouldn't do
I finally gave into their crazy approach and the most amazing thing happened i was free to go play try things experiment to live as i had before my ropes i felt free in a way
I hadn't since i was six years old
And i accomplish things i never would have imagined
Possible
I was astounded
Proud
Liberated and confused
I wondered if the beliefs that helped me back in this class
Were the same ones holding me back in other parts of my life
The seed had been planted
Maybe i shouldn't believe everything
I think headset off to take it off
I just had to realize i had it on ropes broken new beliefs leads to new actions in my first bold moves
Since i was six
I turned down
My offer to work at a law firm
And placed myself in a different reality
I experimenmented with different jobs
And took on various side projects saying yes to ones
I previously would have said no to due a lack of experience trusting
I could figure it out
I was still afraid of failure in taking wrong turns
And sometimes i did i just no longer let this stop me
Then one day i took on a ten week part time position coaching speakers
I fell in love with this work we're talking for nnandeo level love no longer afraid to grab things with both hands
I went on to start my own company helping leaders become more powerful speakers
And to teach a communication class at stanford
Particularly meaningful for me is that i now get to give others
What i'd lost for so long a more powerful voice
I broke other ropes too when i was self conscious and shy
I never could have imagined revealing my insecurities to you on a ted stage
That would have sounded more like a baddream
Yet
Somehow here i am this process didn't happen overnight
Each new thought
Each new action built on the one before it
Until i found myself in a new reality
I still have ropes
I'm working to break my goal is fewer over time to get there
I remind myself of the marshmellow challenge teams of four are given twenty sticks of spaghtti a yard of string
A yard of tape and a marshmallow
The winning team is the one that can build the tallest free standing tower
They can in eighteen minutes
The marshmellow has to be on top
This challenge has been given all over the world to visit school students
Lawyers
Ceo Ctos
Engineers
Who do you think are among the top performers
Recent graduates of kindergarten
Here is why the other groups will take what they think
They know what they think is the single right answer and end up executing in the wrong direction in contrast kindergagners stay open to multiple possibilities
They test out different options
They gather information by experimenting
Until they find the best way forward they have fun
What makes us so amazing as children is we live in a world before
Ropes in a world before
What's known
When there is what's possible in a world before
I can't when there is how could i in a world before falling and staying down
When we fall and get right back up again
Undeterred in a world
In which nothing is holding us back from our full capacity
What the design class was for me
I hope this talk is for you a seed
That gets you to question
What you've previously accepted as true
That makes you more aware of your ropes
That helps you see they were always yours to break
No matter who you are or where you are in this moment
There is the life that you can be living
If you break your ropes
You get there one new thought at a time
One new action at a time
Until one day you find yourself in a new reality
Thank you
