Last summer I thought for a little diversion
I'd take my family on a camping excursion
We were tired of vacation with air condition rooms and such
(Swimmin' pools, room service)
I thought two weeks way back in the woods would do us all a world of good
'Specially the kids. They don't appreciate nature much
(Rather watch t.v. - eat a twinkie)
Well, my wife wasn't sure, but I said,"look here, honey
We'll have a lotta fun and save a lotta money"
Now right there's where I made my first mistake, friends
(I figured a tent, few cans of beans, marshmallows - what could it cost?)
What with sleepin' bags and the hikin' shoes
And all the other paraphernalia that you use
It came to six thousand, nine hundred and forty seven dollars and twenty-two cents
(But like the man said, you can use it all again!)
Well, we packed the new land rover with a maximum load
And drove 'tel we run plumb out a road
Then back packed six hours straight up a steep incline
(Briars, brambles, and cockle burrs)
Then we saw it - the perfect site
There were trees on the left and a creek on the right
Of a clearing to pitch the tent - just what we had in mind
(Eat your heart out, Field And Stream)
Now, pitching the tent took four hours or so
And by then the sun was sinkin' low
And the kids were whinin' and cryin' for something to eat
(My wife said,"where's the restroom?" I told her -
She grinned and said,"yeah, now where is it really?")
So we broke out the soda crackers and sardines
The vienna sausages and pork and beans
And sat around the fire to enjoy a well-earned treat
(Umm-umm-good! None of that citified junk food for us
Kinda reminds me of wild hickory nuts)
Let's all go camping you'll never have it so good
It's great gettin' back to nature out there in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees
Where the animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on campin' you'll never like the city again.
Well, we just weren't ready for what happened then
When sparks from the campfire carried by the wind
Set a pile of leaves and two $89.95 sleepin' bags aflame
(Little Delbert was goin' for the marshmallows -
Thought it was part of the deal.)
Yeah, it spread from the bags and the leaves to the trees
Raging out a control and fanned by the breeze
I thought it was all lost and then, Than God, it started to rain
(I don't mean shower, friends. WE're talkin' pair 'em up Noah,
One more time!)
Well, the fire was out and we huddled in the tent
Were slap out from the day's events
Floatin' on our air mattresses in mud, ankle deep
(Whereupon my wife said,"I really need to know now -
Where is the restroom?"
And when it finally stopped rainin', it was cold and late
But these mysterious noises kept us awake
And we all knew we'd be mauled or axe-murdered in our sleep
(At this point I knew the ghost stories earlier
I was dozin' off-just about to dream
About a Holiday Inn when a blood curdlin' scream
Announced the presence of somethin' in the tent covered with hair
(That's when I said,"Leap up there, son and light the Coleman
I think they's somethin' in here with us.")
WE lit the lantern and there he wuz
A little beady-eyed fuzz, lookin' at us
We chased him out a the tent and ran head-on into a bear
(He'd just finished off the groceries and was frothin' at the mouth!
We ain't talkin' no gentle Ben here, friends.)
He rared back on his haunches and he let out a growl
And we all turned white and let out a howl
And went tearin' through the woods in hysteries
Without a flashlight or a lamp
(It's amazin' what Adrenalin will do. I mean I was a
Track star in high school, but my chubby little wife
Just flat footed past me with a child under each arm
Like I was takin' a Sunday stroll, yellin',"never mind
The restroom.")
Well somehow we all made it to the car
And I had to crank it with a quick hot wire
'Cause I'd left the keys in my back pack at the camp.
(Along with my shoes, wallet, Rolex, and $6,947.22 worth of camping equipment.)
We went flyin' down that dark muddy trail
Slippin' and a slidin' like a bat out of hell
Til we drove through a stream we'd crossed on our way in
(Lord knows how we missed all the trees-at 90 mph sideways.)
Now the rain made it deeper than it was before
And the water started pourin' in around the doors
And we had to swim for shore-never saw that land rover agin
(Just floated off. Last I saw was the tail lights goin' over the falls. State Farm ain't never gonna believe this.)
Well, we finally stumbled into civilization
Called a friend of mine from a Texaco station
He drove out and picked us up and took us all on home
(Wet, cold, tired, and talkin' to ourselves.)
They say take only pictures and leave only footprints
Well we left eight sleepin' bags, two trailmaster tents,
A Coleman stove, four hundred dollars worth of groceries,
A land rover, a Rolex, and every stitch of clothing my wife ever owned.
(Oh yeah! Had to take it all with her - mink coat, makeup, electric curlin' iron, -"never know what you might need" she said."
Let's all go camping you'll never have it so good
It's great gettin' back to nature out there in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees
Where the animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on campin' you'll never like the city again.
I'll tell you one thing - next summer we're goin' to Daytona Beach.
For what this trip cost, we coulda gone to Hawaii - twice - first class. I'm talking hula girls and them little pink fizzy drinks with them little parasols stickin' out of 'em! Nature? Give me concrete! I love traffic. Let me have some of that smog too. I'd rather be mugged once a week than go back out there, friends. Just call me Urbane from now on.
