Not Allowed, But I Do

Verse 1:

I wake and feel you before my eyes open,

a weight in my chest I can’t put down.

I move through the morning like nothing’s changed,

but shadows of you linger in every sound.

I try not to reach, try not to call,

but every part of me still wants it all.

Pre-Chorus 1:

I drive through streets we never drove together,

hear a song and suddenly you’re there,

dancing in the passenger seat,

and the world tilts for a moment

like nothing ever ended.

Chorus:

I’m not allowed to miss you,

but I do.

I don’t want anyone else,

I don’t crave anyone else,

I just want you,

all of you,

every second of you I can remember.

I’m not allowed to want you,

but my body and my heart betray me.

Loving you didn’t fade.

It didn’t turn to anger.

It just wants you,

and it won’t stop.

Verse 2:

Sometimes I’m fine,

I laugh, I move, I work,

and I forget for a while.

Then something small hits me:

a song, a smell, a shadow on the wall,

and suddenly I see your hand

on the wheel, your shoulder brushing mine,

and I feel you again,

like I never stopped feeling you.

I’m starting to forget how it felt

to have your hand in mine,

to feel your skin on mine,

the simplest touch that made me feel the most loved.

And that’s killing me.

I still have photos of us,

but I can’t bear to look at them.

I don’t reach for anyone else.

I don’t crave love or touch or affection

because the only one I want

is the one I can’t have.

Pre-Chorus 2:

I try to breathe around it,

let it settle in the spaces between thought and action,

but it refuses.

It demands me.

It pulls me to you

even when I tell myself I shouldn’t go there.

Chorus:

I’m not allowed to miss you,

but I do.

I don’t want anyone else,

I don’t crave anyone else,

I just want you,

all of you,

every second of you I can remember.

I’m not allowed to want you,

but my body and my heart betray me.

Loving you didn’t fade.

It didn’t turn to anger.

It just wants you,

and it won’t stop.

Bridge:

Everywhere I turn, I see traces of you.

In quiet rooms, in passing streets,

in songs that weren’t even ours.

It hits without warning,

and I feel every second of wanting you

like a pulse I can’t control.

I don’t want closure.

I don’t want distance.

I just want to love you

in the way that still exists

even though you’re gone.

I don’t crave anyone else.

I don’t touch anyone else.

All I can do is feel the absence of you

and let it live inside me.

Final Chorus:

I’m not allowed to miss you,

but I do.

I don’t want anyone else,

I don’t crave anyone else,

I just want you,

all of you,

every second of you I can remember.

I’m not allowed to want you,

but my body and my heart betray me.

Loving you didn’t fade.

It didn’t turn to anger.

It didn’t disappear.

It just wants you.

And it won’t stop.