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My life has not been perfect
And i find it deeply annoying for better or worse
I face crisis across every part of it
When it's personal
It's hard to know how to survive
When it's professional suffering ing at work lad lad
My boss used to say that big stall in the bathroom is for crying
Because i don't want to see it
But what happens when you have to go back to the office after the death of a loved one or in the middle of a divorce mortaboo
What if something bad happens at work
Bankruptcy y layoffs a failed start up
Here's the thing
Our brains don't actually know the difference between grief netwwork and grief at at home
It's all grief all of it
Pop culture tells us be resilient greety
I don't know about you
But i'm more likely to show up with dirty hair
A hangover in a bad juicy jump suit
Thankfully managing crisis is a skill set
It's something we can learn
But it takes tools
Practical tools not toxic positivity
I'm the ceo of a crisis management firm
We work on capital sea crisis fraud scandal industrial accidents
Workplace ffatalities
I'm also a hospice chaplain and a death dula
A couple months into my mba
I was on the phone with my mom
When she found my twenty three old sister dead from an accidental overdose
This is a strange format up here
Because then i have to say that a lot of other people died one after the other
And can't really go into the
The years
I spent laying in the ashes of my life
I was in childbirth when doctor cut my artery
Every time my heartbeat blood pumped into my abdmen for eight hours
Apparently the human body holds eleven units of blood
And they replaced eight of mine
So suffice
It to say i had a few unanswered questions in my life
And i did what i thought every reasonable person would do in this kind of a setting
I got obsessed with death and dying
I read the tivten book of the dead
Did grief yoka wrote my own no*****wry laid like a corpse to see you
That would feel like it makes me very weird at cocktail parties
Professionally i met crisis
When i was the the oo of a hedge fund
I was getting a root canal
When i got the call
That our largest investment had been rated by the fbi
It was a half a billion dollar global ponzy scheme
Painful investor losses
Bad guys went to jail for decades
And our firm ent out a business
It was freaking out to one of my lawyers like sobing
When he said to me get over it
It's not like someone died
Like i'm
I'm
I'm going to refuview that point it felt like someone died
I lost my job
My reputation
I lost friends
I lost my identity
A grieved crisis taught me that we live in two two worlds
Our inner world
This
This loud crowded place
That's totally invisible to others
That's where we grieve
Our outer world is where we problem
Mself i call it the land of logistics
That is what goes into chaos
The art of managing
Crisis is to give each world
What it needs grief
Needs support chaos
Needs order
So let's start our inner world
Crisis is catommitic
Think of it like a nuclear chain reaction
The first thing
It triggers is our biology
We've fled with a drennlin cortioall this is super useful
If you've ever had to run away from a bear
But the thing in crisis is you're running away from a bear for years
That messes with your brain memory cognition
Impulse control in hospitals
We call this griefbrain said
Foggy feling grief brain
So how do we cope turns out not that well
Most of us take which are ready hard about grief
And just make it harder we do this by either barying the ggrief like nuclear waste
Or by detonating it like a bomb
And it's tricky to see these things in ourselves so consider this
When all hell breaks loose are you more likely to simmer impresentment or fire off a flaming email barriers
Barriers avoid messy emotions
But the grief leaks out like poison
At the times
When we most need a empathy barriers
They're re's pretty mechanical their robotic barriers feelings are not weaknesses and phrases like stay positive are not that motivating detonators
Detonators are volatile excessive over
Spending over
Eating overworking over everything at the times
That we need stable leadership
They just burath their feelings on everyone
My fellow detonators
I see you get a therapist
Somewhere to put your bigger motions
And when elelse fails just learn to say self
Self the best tool for managing our inner world is self awareness
It's not only about coping
It's strategic
These skills are leadership
Superpowers all honed by grief
Now what about our outer world
Let's say someones died you have grief brain
Then you have to negotiate with the insurance company call the coroner cancelled their mail
A doctor
I work with in hospice caused this bureaucratic susuffering
These are the times either personally or profeonally
Where we need an operating system to organize the chaos
That operating system begins with four questions
First
What is the crisis
You'd be amazed
How often people try and solve problems
They can't define imagine you're in your conference room
Go around your team
What's the crisis
What's the crisis you will get different answers from everyone
That's your starting point for building alignment and identifying conflict
Second
What are the tradeoffs in grief
We go into denial
Wishful thinking
Use management frameworks
Timelines
Decision trees
Map it out
There are no easy choices and and bad choices
There are no good choices and the right choices
There are only hard choices
So make them concrete and map them out
Third
What are your priorities
You cannot control the outcome of crisis
You can't
But you can control who you want to be as a brand in your company
Be the best version of your brand as a person choose
Choose to grow
Try see
If you can prioritize things like adaptability
Discipline
Kindness
Finding what is the next right thing
It's a buddst st cont that orienus to the present moment
When when you're in chaos
Make a list
And just do what comes next
That's it just what comes next
And sometimes you'll spend a lot of time
What's next
What's next
What's next
Crisis happens to everyone
It will happen to you
If you're brave enough
It will teach you lessons
You can't learn anywhere else
Crisis has not always been my best look
But it brought out the best in me
There is i promise you a pass from grief to growth
If you choose it
Thank you
Thank you so much for that narrative
Know before you leave us
You talk about managing crisis as a skillset
Which is so smart in a work setting
When you learn that a colleague is experiencing a crisis in their personal lives
What is the best way to support them through it
I think steff one is to remember that work setting
Personal setting doesn't make any difference
We are all humans
Everywhere we show up one of the challenges of work is that we believe
We are supposed to just fix things
The problem with grieve it's not fixible
So turn the fixing mind off and turn on the idea of bearing witness and companioning someone if you feel like um
I'm too scared to show up and say something wrong
Just say something kind
We often people will say why didn't want to bring that up
Because it
It might make you feel sad
If someone's going for something hard
They're already ready they know it's going to happen
It's right right so just show up
Walk with them
Sit with them in the darkness
Even if there you're colleague
It doesn't take much to just say
Hey
You're on my mind
How are you holding up that it be human
We are humans
Everywhere i love that such an important talk
Thank you so much
Thank you marrired if wills in parfit
Thank you for having me
