Towards Happiness

It's bittersweet

It's 5AM and I'm not sleeping

The breakdown has ended

And I can glimpse the light of day

There's a peaceful hum in the air

The closet Paris comes to silence

And you've seen me falling lately

Picking clothes in my dirty laundry

Forcing myself to brush my teeth

And giving up continuously

But this morning

For the first time in a year

Not a single muscle is strained

And everything seems to make sense

I know there's something wrong with me

It's something that can't be fixed

But I wish you could see this

The sky is so pretty and I'll keep trying

I know there's something wrong with me

I feel it in every limb

Every thing is so vibrant

Yet it all kinda feels the same

And I'll keep trying

And you know it well

Tomorrow it will start again

All my limbs will tense up

And I'll start shaking uncontrollably

But I don't want everything to end

Ever since Alex's funeral

I've been celebrating every birthday

I promise I'll make it past his age

One day I'll stop swimming

I'll get up on the shore and start walking

I know there's something wrong with me

It's something that can't be fixed

But I wish you could see this

The sky is so pretty and nothing hurts

I know there's something wrong with me

I feel it in every limb

Switched my pills for some new ones

Maybe it'll work this time

Please

I haven't read the news in forever

I heard it's nasty out there

I heard it's not getting better

And I better not care

Lately I've been slipping a lot

And I've been thinking about the past

I can't seem to forgive my younger self

I can't seem to see him as a kid

I remember the night you got so emotional

You were begging me to love this child

But every time I think about it all

I want to bash his head to the fucking ground

There's black tar in the eye of my storm

All this pain I felt but still had to perform

So many spines around my shell

So many notches around my heart

Everytime you try to reassure me

I get irritated I get angry

And then I crumble completely

In your arms vulnerable and sick

I hear sirens in the distance

And they're howling out of tune

You tell me nothing ever happens

But it always happens all at once

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

I'll forever be stuck with myself

And even though it can get dark

Inside my head

I'm trying to untie the knots

I'm trying to make it all fit

I know I tried to end it

So many times before

But baby I promise

That's not how I'm gonna go

I don't ever want to know

That somewhere all alone

You're crying like a child

At some idiot's funeral

One day you'll see me smile

And it won't be the perfect kind

But it will be genuine enough

That you won't have to question it

But if one day you go

I'll listen to the waves

Because in the white noise

Your voice will remain

And if one day I go

Try and do the same