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I'm a happiness scientist
And i've been a happiness scientist for thirty six years from my entire professional career
I've been a posesssed with learning this secrets to being a happy person
Which try to answer the question can anyone become happier
Now how do you even study something like that well in one thousand and ninety eight my lap pioneered will we call happiness interventions
Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants over the years
We've done dozens of these experiments testing
Whether practices like expressing gratitude
We're doing us of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert make people happier
And they do under the right conditions my students
I spent decades doing these experiments this work made my career
And yet i realized that i hadn't really been listening to what the data were trying to tell me
And then is finally clicked it done on me
That almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier
They will precisely
Because they help us feel more connected to and loved by others so right iting a gratitude letter to my mom
Makes me feel more loved by her and doing an active kindness st for my colleague makes me feel closer to him
In other words
What i learned is that to be a better happiness scientist
I had to become a love scientist
Because as it turns out the key happiness
Veniness
Feeling connected and loved
I know that sounds like a could fave
But many popowerful ideas do once you distill them
The real challenge and opportunity is how to put into practice
So then how do we connect
Well
We could connect through touch or dance or eye contact
But let's face it in western culture and many cultures
Actually we mostly connect by talking
Yet here's the problem with our social world today even over talking
We all have walls around us
Their walls around our friends
Colleagues
Neiighbors
Even family we build those walls to protect ourselves
Yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in
They keep us from becoming truly known
So this was literally my number one happiness step the one thing
I wish everybody knew we will feel more loved
If we become more known
If we learned to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us
The secret is supersimple
Yet i think massively profound
If you do one thing today to be happier
Let it be this approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before
嗯嗯
First by sharing from the heart
You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself not just your highlight real whether with your best friend colleague or first date be brave enough to let others see the traal
You here's a cisible practice start small pacing is really important
So don't immediately share your deepest secret trauma a if you go deep too fast
Everyone's walls will come right back up again
Instead in the beginning
Maybe say something honest like i've had a rough day
Instead of i'm fine recent study showed that people will like you more
When the conversation is deeper as a poster shallower two you dad
You help the other person lower their walls
When you listen to them
In order to learn
Not to respond quite your voice
So there's could be heard
So during your next conversation is that of mentally you're hurssing yours story try to listen
Like there's going to be acquiz
Tomorrow furthermore ask one more question
That you normally ask like how did that really feel such question signal that you're right there with them one was the last time
Someone asked you a real question about your life
It's rare yet research shows that people yourenn to be asked and those who ask questions are better liked
Ked and y'you probably all have this experience
Someone talks out you for
For an hour
Tells you whowhole story that walks away
Knowing nothing about you and my right
That's not what i meant sharing and listening whold hands
If you only share it's a monologue
If you listen it's an interview
But when you do
Both that's
When the magic happens
That's It
It's really that simple by sharing a little more and listening a little deeper
All of us can learn to take the walls down
If we do
Will know one one better better
We'll feel more loved and
And will help the people in our lives feel more love too
Thank you
