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For most of my adolescence and young adulthood ood i fanticized about being musician a rock star in particular any bad ask guitar on i heard i would always close my eyes and envision myself up on stage playing it to the screams of the crowd
People absolutely losing their minds to my sweet finger noodleling this fantasy
Could keep me occupied for hours on end
The fantaszing continued up through college
Even after i dropped out of music school and stopped playing seriously
But even then it was never a question of if i'd ever be up playing in front of screaming crowds
But when i was biting my time before i could invest the proper amount of time and effort into getting out there and making it work
First i needed to finish school
Then
I needed to make money
Then
I needed to find the time
Then
And then nothing despite fanticizing about this for over half of my life
The reality never came
And it took me a long time and a lot of negative experiences to finally figure out
Why i didn't actually wanted i was in love with the result
The image of me on stage
People cheering me rocking out
Pouring my heart into what i'm playing
But i wasn't in love with the process
And because of that i failed it repeatedly hell
I didn't even try hard enough to fail out
I hardly tried at all the daily dregury of practicing
The logistics of finding a group in rehearsing the pain of finding gigs and actually getting people to show up and give a ****
The broken strength
The blown two bank hauling forty pounds of gear two and from rehearsals with no car
It's a mountain of a dream and a mile high climb to the top and what it took me a long time to discover
Is that i didn't like to climb much
I just like to imagine the top
Our culture would tell me that i've somehow failed myself
That i'm a quwitter or a loser self helped
Would say that i either wasn't courageous enough
Determined enough or i didn't believe in myself enough
The entrepreneurial lash start up crowd would tell me that i checked out on my dream and gave into my conventional social condition
I'd be told to do affirmations or join a mastermine group or manifesor something
But the truth is far less interesting than that i thought
I wanted something but it turns out
I didn't end of story
I wanted the reward and not the struggle
I wanted the result and not the process
I was in love
Not with the fight
But only the victory and life doesn't work
That way who you are is defined by the values
You are willing to struggle for people who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who get in good shape
People who enjoy long work weeks and the politics of the corporate lattter are the ones who move up it
People who enjoy the stresses and uncertainty of the starving artist lifestyle are ultimately the ones who live it and make it
