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What are you doing on mistage in front of all these people run run
Now that's the voice of my anxiety talking
Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong
I sometimes get this overwhelelming sense of doom like danger as lurking just around the corner
You see a few years ago
I was diagnosed with generalize anxiety and depression two conditions that often go hand in hand
Now there was a time
I went have told anybody especially not in front of a big audience as a black woman
I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed and like most people in my community
I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness
A character flaw
But i wasn't weak
I was a higher eaper
I don't dommastrous degree in media studies
And had a string a pipe profile jobs in the film
In television industries
I'd even went two emi awards from my hard work
Sure
I was totally spent
I lacked interest sting things
I used to enjoy barely ly eight struggled with inamnia and felt isolated and depleted
But depressed
No Not
Me took weeks before i could admit it
But the doctor was right
I was depressed
Still i didn't tell anybody body about my diagnosi was too too hamed med
I dithink
I had the right to be depressed
I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career
And when i thought about the unspeakable able horse
That my ancestors had been through in this country
So that i could have it better
My shamegrew
Even deeper i was standing on their shoulders
How could i let them down
I would hold my head up
Put a smile on my face
And never tell us all on july forth two thousand and thirteen
My world came crashing and on me
That was the day i got a phone call for my mom
Telling me that my twenty two year old nephew ul had ended his life after years of battling depression and anxiety
There are no words that can describe the devastation i felt paul and i were very close
But i had no idea
He was in so much pain
Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles
The shame in stigma kept us both silent
No my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on
So i spent the next two years researching depression in anxiety and what i found was my deelind the world health organization reports
That depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world
While the exact cause of depression isn't clear
Research suggests that most mental disorders develop at least in part because of a chemical imbalance in the brain endoor an underlying genetic pretish position
So you can't just shake it off for black americans streressers like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a twenty percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder
Yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white americans one reason is a stigma with sixty three percent of black americans mistaking depression for a weakness
Sadly
The suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past twenty years
Now here's the good news
Seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy
Treatment and medication
Armed of this information i made a decision
I wasn't going to be silent anymore with my family's blessing
I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation
A friend
Kelly peer
Lewis said
Being strong is killing us
She's right
We have got to retire those tired old narraties of the strong black woman and the supermascuin black man
Who no matter how many times they get knocked down
Just shake it off and soldier on having feelings isn't a sign of weakness
Feelings meanmore human
And when we deny our humanity
It leaves us feeling empty inside searching for waste to self medicate in order to fill the void
My drug was high achievement
These days i share my story openly
And i ask others to share theirs too
I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence
To know that they are not alone
And to know that with help they can heal
Now i still have my struggles particularly with the anxiety
But i'm able to manage it through daily meditation yoga and a relatively healthy diet
If i feel like things we're starting despiral
I'm make an appointment to see my therapist
A dynamic black woman named don armstrong
Who has a great sense of humor and a familiity that i find comforting
I will always regret that i coulldn't there for my nephew
But my sincere ous hope is that i can inspire others with the lesson that i've learned life is beautiful
Sometimes it's messy
And it's always unpredictable
But it will all be okay
When you have your supports
It's come to help you through it hope that if your burden gets too heavy
You'll ask for hand to thank you
