Ah
Since a day I can't recall when
My heart's drumming turned intense panic set in
Night times spent swiping screen's glow my only friend
Sleep delayed from midnight to two then deeper into the bend
Phone-induced slumber a fleeting respite
Yet wakefulness returned with each scrolling spike
Content crass and raw my mind's diet
In this cycle sleep finally quieted the riot
Mornings met with a struggle to arise
Meetings survived strength barely disguised
Their end anxiety's embrace tight
Projects stagnated self-doubt's endless night
Weekends with my child energy sparse
Willpower my sole force
My son before me yet a gulf so wide
Emotions veiled communication a tide receded inside
My speech a sluggish stream tone faint
With family it dwindled almost faint
Alone thoughts of ending it all emerged
To the window I'd wander lost and purged
Twenty-five floors above the abyss called
Thoughts intensified like a siren's wail
Compelled to search methods known
Events replayed plastic bag tried alone
Charcoal chosen plans revised with care
News scoured details studied the aftermath to bear
Pain consequences weighed the decision set
Parents' welfare considered Buddhism's teachings vetted
Death not the end a fear ingrained
In my cart charcoal grill tape arranged
A tent added to spare embarrassment and strife
Thoughts of causing distress a life cut short rife
Drowning in these notions
Wrote a farewell words weak unsatisfying refrain
Then clarity struggled through the fog it led
To Peking University's Sixth Hospital I was somehow conveyed
Doctors heard my tale a diagnosis clear
Advised hospital stay a path to steer
I can't I argued projects on the line
Results came back: anxiety depression intertwined
Persist she urged her aid limited by my will
Giving up meant defeat a bitter pill
Medication in hand a strange calm took hold
Diagnosed a relief a long-held story told
Thoughts of self-harm now met with a cushioned bounce
Like an airbag deployed safety'sounce
I embraced my patient role newfound care
Project's future now a consideration to bear
And so in July the twelfth day of the year twenty-one
Hospital doors opened a journey begun
