I was never the one they pushed away
I was just the one they never asked to stay
Nobody noticed when I disappeared
Or maybe they did
Maybe I just wanted them to
I hated every photograph
I'd cut myself out before I showed them
A better face
A better body
Maybe then I'd belong somewhere
I studied every mirror
Looking for something wrong
And somehow
I always found it
I learned to hate the mirror
Before I learned to hate myself
What do you call a wound
Nobody can see
What do you call a memory
You don't know is real
Sometimes I remember a room
That may have never existed
A window
A hallway
Someone calling my name
I swear somebody waited
I swear somebody loved me
But maybe I dreamed it
So I made it up
Made it beautiful
Made somebody stay
Just so I could believe
I had somewhere to go
I found a photograph
From a day I can't remember
Everybody's smiling
I'm standing in the middle
But I don't know the room
I don't know the faces
I don't know who took it
Maybe it happened
Maybe it didn't
Maybe I took a hundred memories
And made them into one
I gave every wound a reason
Every silence a name
Because if I know why it hurts
Maybe I can make it stop
Sometimes I build the life
I wish I had
A better childhood
A better body
A better version of me
And I tell myself
Maybe that was me
Maybe I was happy
Maybe I was wanted
Maybe somebody saw me
And didn't see anything wrong
So I believed it
God I believed it
Because the truth was too empty
What if I made it all up
What if nobody called my name
What if nobody was waiting
What if I wasn't remembering
What if I was writing
Writing someone I could love
Writing someone I could be
And I don't know anymore
Which memories are mine
Which ones are real
I don't know if I was lonely
Or if I just learned
how to remember myself that way
I LOOKED FOR MYSELF
IN EVERY PICTURE
I LOOKED FOR MYSELF
IN EVERY MIRROR
I wanted someone to tell me
You were there
You mattered
You were loved
But nobody did
So I made people up
I made memories up
Somebody had to remember me
Even if it was me
Even if I was wrong
I remember the room
I remember the voice
I remember somebody staying
But I don't know if it happened
And I don't know what's worse—
That nobody was there
Or maybe
I was.
Maybe I was there the whole time
Maybe I was the one who left me behind
Maybe I was the one
who decided I wasn't worth remembering
So what remains?
If the memories disappear—
What remains?
If I can't remember who I was—
Who am I supposed to become
I don't know if it happened
I don't know if I remember it right
But I remember being alone
Maybe that's enough.
Maybe I don't have to prove it
Maybe I can just say
It hurt.
And for once,
I don't have to make anything up.
