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Welcome curious minds too the deep dive
Today we're digging into a book
That well it didn't just become a classic
It arguably created a whole genera
You're talking about dail carnegies how to win friends and influence people that's the one
Our mission todais pretty clear
Let's pull up the key practical strategies from this really influential work shared by listener
By the way they can genuinely change how we interact with people maybe in ways you haven't thought about yeah and what's amazing is how relevant it still is i mean thirty
Thirty six of first out out
Wow
That ago right
And it's still a best seller translated into woah
And it's every language you can think of the title itself is practically a household phrase
Now you see it quoted peroted agwell everywell cartoons novel exexactly that tells something dodoesn't it touch es an nerve it really does
And you have remember back in thirty six um self improvement boothat wasn't really a category
Not at all
All people mostly thought popularity
You know being good with people was just something inate youeither had it really didn't right carnegie didn't necessarily invent all the underlying psychology
No
But he totally changed how it was presented
How it was taught
He basically laid the groundfor for well a lot of the personal development stuff
We see today he really did
And he tapped into something people deeply wanted
There's this um big two year survey university chicago in the ymca schoolstate it okay
They went to this town
American connectiis supposed to be a typical american town wasked nearly every adult hundred and fifty six questions
Exhaustive
Wow
What did they find well after a basic health
The number one thing adults cured
But wasn't money not exactly status
But people
People how so how to understand them
You know how to get allowing
How to make people like you
And crucially how to win them over to your way of thinking
There is a huge unmet need so carnegie saw this need
How did he figure out his methods
He wasn't just thinking it up
No
Not at all he was practical
He went out an interviewed tons of successful people
I mean big names
Marcony
Edison
Inventors yeah and political figures like fdr
Cultural icons like helen
Colcollor
Clark
Gabble
He want to know what they actually did in their relationship ok
So real world
World exple exactly
Then he boiled it down into a talk
Which grew into llike
嗯
没有a ninety eleelection
But here's the key part
The revolutionary bit
He told people don't just listen
Go try the this stuff your business in your
Your It
It n't aa tell less what happened um like an experiment
Precisely he called a laboratory of adult human relationships
The only one at the time
The book literally grew out of thousands of those real experiences
It wasn't a theories un out of thin air that makes a huge difference
It's tested it really does at it highlights something crucial about learning this stuff
Berarard
Shaw said
Uh you teach a man
Anything he will never learn um interesting
What does that mean
Here it means you canchejust read the book and expect things to change
It's active
You have to form new habits
Carnegie calls it a new way of life
So it takes work
Persistence
Daily effort
Absolutely you have to do it for it to stick it's about changing behavior not just acquiring information okay
So if we're talking about a new way of life
是的 对对
Where does carnegie start what's the foundation
He drills right down to what he sees as a core human drive something fraud and john do we also talked about this
Uh desire to be great or desire to be important than that ant not just e though no he frames it as deeper than that like a fundamental human hunger yeah as basic as needing food or sleep
It drives so much of our behavior
It is examples of this
Oh Yeah
Fascinating was even a ftorious criminals alkupound two gun crawd dutshoults
They didn't see themselves as bad guys
Really how do they see themselves as a public benefactors believe it or not yeah
Fundamentally kind hearted deep down
They rationalized everything leouis laws the ward in it ssingsing for years confirmed it very few criminals
Semat actually thought there were bad people that's starting
It shows how powerful that driverand it's not just criminminwashhingwanantitiles like his mighiness columous wanted admirl of the ocean
Even a catherine the great mrs lincoln seeking recognition tion to the point
Where tragically some medical folks believe people could literally go insane to find that feeling of importance and fantasy
If reality denied it
It's that deep
Wow
That really puts in perspective
So this fundamental dreeth right and carnegie makes this great contrast think about johne rocofeller and john dilingger okay
Polar opposite
Both mnegie argues were driven by that desire for importance
Barrocofeler saw it through you know mmassive anmpropy building things
Dillinger got it through crime in for me uh
So it's not the drive itself
But how you try to satisfy it right that to find your character exactly
And that leads directly into a really key distinction
Carnegie y makes honest appreciation vers well flattery okay
What's the difference for him
Flattery is just cheap praise
Its shallow selfish insincere
He calls it counterfit money
Counof fit money like that yeah
And he says it rarely works on anyone with any sense
And it will usually backfire
Eventually even king george the fifth apparently had a saying against cheater to praise avoid flatattery
Whathe alternative tive true appreciation
Yeah
Which is totally different
It's sincere it comes from genually recognizing someone's value or effort
And that knenegie says satisfies that deep knowing and unfaltering human hunger for importance
And this genuine appreciation
It actually works
So absolutely think about charle swab paid over a million a year
Which was astronomical back that rival was his secret steel expertise
He said himself no
His real talent was his ability to arouse enthusiasm people how by being hardly in his apppervation and lavish in his praise
He genuinely appreciated his team so had motivated them
Made them want to do better exactly or uflorenrenziikfilld the broadguguy
He glorified american girl
He took women who might have seemed average
And made them feel like stars captivating
He tapped into their need to feel important making them feel seen and valued right even offered lunt the famous actor admitted there is nothing i need so much as nourishment for myself a steam
It's a universal need
It really makes you think we feed our bodies every day
But how often do we consciously fesomeononeself esteam m just a few ssincous words
Words that as carnenike says might sing in their memories for years
That's powerful
It's not many it relation
It's recognition exactly recognizing that deep human need okay
So we understand this core hunger for importance and the power of appreciation
How do we use this to actually you know build report make people genuinely like us well carnegigilays out some principles
The first and maybe the most foundational is be genuinely interested in other people sounds simple
Maybe too simple
It does
But think about it
How often do we really do it
How it thursand the famous magician yeah before every single show he would repeat himself
I love my audience
I love my audience and he meant it that feeling projected
So it's an internal state that affects the external interaction right or george dike this guy who found joy in retirement
Just by getting gengenuinely interested in fifidlers listening to them learning their stories
It opened up a whole new world for him
Just by shifting focus outwward
And this works in business too destening
对对对
Edward cykes the salesmen saved a big drug store account
He started by just chatting with the soda clerks
The salstaff shoshowintereted in them
Before he even talked to the boss builled oooodfrom the the ground ound exactly it works yeah
And then there's another symbol but incredibly powerful tool remember that a person's name is to that person the swetest st most most important sound in any language
Ah the name principle that one feels true
It's huge gim farralely the political operator figure this out early people care more about their own name
Than all the other names put together
Remember it
Use it
You've paid a compliment
Forget a misspellet big disadvantage
The story of sidlevi and misr nicademias pupaddulose great name
Most people just call him nick
But lavy made the effort to learn and use his full name
嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯
Paba dulos was apparently moved to tears
Said nobody in fifteen years in the
Us had bothered to use his real name
Wow just reusing his name correctly it shows you see them as an individual andrew carnegie
The steel guy
Yeah
He went to them
He wasn't a still unipere
But a leadership genius knew had to handle people even as a kid
He named his pet rabbits after the neighbourhood kids who helped feed them
He learned earpet powof a kime
He asked it to smooth over business conflict
So wasn't a still unique uniied
Totally your name is yours alone
Yeah
Remembering it matters okay
So genuine interest remembering names
What's next for building that connection
This one's crucial be a good listener
Encourage others to talk about themselves
Listening sounds easy
But probably isn't
It's harder than it looks
Carnegie tells the story about being at a dinner party
Talking to a bottest for hours
Carnegie himself barely set a word about botney just listenened
Intently asked questions show genuine inteinterest
Afterwards the bottness told the host
That carnegie was a most interesting conversationalist st talked
Exactly because he made the other person feel interesting
Charles wl liot former harvard president said
Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking nothing else is so flattertering that masense giving someone
Your full attention is rare
Unvaluable
Think about disputes
Mister depmor listen to an angry customer for three hours
Straight just listen i the guy talk himself out
And it completely resolved the issue three hours
That's patients just it worked isic
Markeisson
The journalists who interviewed tons of famous people said the vip is often told him
They preferred good listeners to good talkers interesting
What do you think that is because most people are rapped up in themselves as doctor
Nicholmes
Mary butler put it people who talk only of themselves
Think only of themselves listening
Shows you care about them okay
So being interested using names listening
What else talk in terms of the other person's interests
So is key for influence
So focus on what they care about not just what you want
Precisely think of emerson trying to get that cafe into the barn pushing and polling
Focusing on his all didn't work the made id understood with the caf wanted sucking her finger
And let it right in right the cafe interest or getting a kid excited about kindergarden standovct and order his son
Tim to go
He facked about fingerpainting making new friends things
Tim would find exciting framement from their perspective carnegie
He did this himself negotiating that hotel rent
He faced a massive increase instead of arguing about his budget
He talked only about how the increase would affect the manager's interest
The hotel tells reputation vacancy rates
And it work got the increase reduce
Significantly because he framed it around what the other person valued it's about seeing their world seems ms a powerershishift perperspective is micichael women
It to fifix problem with a run down gas station instead of ordering the manager to clean up
He showed him photos of a brand new successful station tapping into the manager's own desire for improvement and pride
嗯
Made him want to fix it inspire them by connecting to their interests
Exactly it's way more effective than just talking about what you want like the guy trying to get people to play basketball
By only talking about how much he wanted to play futile okay these principles for making people like you interest nlilistenthey're inteintests seem really practicbut
But what about when things get tougher
When you need to win someone over to your way of thinking
Especially if there's disagreement right this is where it gets tricky
Because as carnegie resses
Human interactions are often driven more by emotion pride ego than pure logic so arguing facts might not be the best approach
Often it's the worst which leads to the first principle
Here the only way at the best of an argument is to avoid it
But avoid it all together
But what if youwrright carnegie shares a story
Where he was right
He corrected someone about a quote at a dinner party later
His friend told him
Why proved to a man
He's wrong is that going to make him like you um good point
You might win the point
But lose the relationship
Exactly
Bin franklin said something similar
You can win an argument
But it's an empty victory
If you lose the other person's goowill people digin when they feel attacked
It becomes about defending their self esteen
We clink to my idea as my beliefs right
James
Harby
Robinson and point it out reform beliefs often for personal reasons
Then spend our time finding arguments to justify them being told you're wrong
Feels like a personal threat so direct
Contradiction usually back almost always better to find common ground or just let it go
If it's not crucial okay avoid arguments
But what if you are genuineinely wrong
Ah h then prprinciple is just as counter intuitive but powerful if you are wrong
Admit it quickly and empatically don't head your make excuses no
Just owe it quickly fully
嗯
Carnegie says
This takes all the fight out of the other person
It defuses the situation immediately like that story of the father
Admitting his false finding exactly his quick and pthetic admission to a son just open the door to reconciliation no defence
Just honestly it clears the air okay so avoid arguments
If possible it mid mistakes quickly
If necessary
How do you proactively start persuading someone a great starting point is begin in a friendly way
Sounds obvious maybe
But the tone you
You set initially is huge like which your wililon's point fish up invtes tes fist about precisely if you approach someone ready for a fight
That's likely what you'll get
But if you approach them in a spirit of cooperation
Let us sit down and take council
You open the door to finding common ground like carnegigie starting that rent negotiation by praising the hotel
Yes setting that positive friendly tone right away made the difficult conversation much easier and more productive friendiness
They gets frienfrienliness
Then once you started friendly
Like really a effetive tive techniques get the other person saying yes yes
Memeately the sysyratic methothoessentially asking questions tions have have to agree with right ine points of common ground things
They already believe and get them notting along build a foundation of agreement
Like that wasting how salesmman joseph holson exactly couldn't so motors for years
Because he argued
Then he shifted got the engineer agreeing on basic industry standards
Yes yes and suddenly the resistance melted a way
That momentum of agreement is powerful
Creates a positive psychological current
It really does and alongside getting those yes ses another key is let the other person do a great deal of the taltalking let them talk
Even when you're trying to persuade them especially then want
Want feel heard then frankly
When our friends accellers acoften feel small
But when we let them talk about their accomplishments
Their ideas
They feel important
So resist the urge to dominthe conversation with your own points yes be modest encourage them bbber wllson finally connected with a rebellious daughter lorry not by lecturing laore
But by finally just listening and letting lorry pour out our feelings
Listening built the bridge
Listening creed space for connection
Absolutely and closely related is let the other person feel that the idea let his or hers not make them think they came up with it isn't
Them manipuative
Not necessarily it's about guiding suggesting
Asking questions
Planting seeds rather than imposing your solution
People naturally trust and champion ideas
They faelly discovered co created
Okay i see like it all sells the sales manager right instead of dictating expectations
He asks his struggling team
What they expected from him
And what he had a right to expect from them
They essentially created the plan together morale sales shot up
Because they owned it
They thouownership or eugene wessm the salesmen who failed for three years to salsketches
Finally he brought in some unfinishones
Asked the client to finish them with his input
But felt with his creation bbght them
Them
And became a regular customer let them take the lead
Suddenly it's about respecting their intelligence and creativity
Which ties into the next big one
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
Empathy
Basically deep empathy really try to understand why they think or feel the way they do
It saves so much
Friction
Sam
Douglas and his wife's 's gardening right
He stopped criticizing when he considered her enjoyment
Exactly he didn't have to agree that gardening was fun for him
But he understood it might be for her
That shift changed everything
Compliments replaced criticism understanding
Preceeding
Absolutely and building on that understanding is be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires
Sympathethetic
Even if you disagree
Yes
Acknowledge their feelings as valid from their perspective carnegie suggesing something like i don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do
If i were you
I would undoubtedly feel just as you do and you can mean that sincrely you can
Because if you truly have their exact background teperperent experiences
You likely would feel the same
It acknowledges their reality without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions
Think about ocpone
If
If had his upbrening who knows
So it's about validating their feelings right
Carnedy turned that angry listener about the louisia may alcup mistake into a friend
Simply to a lsclisizing and sympathzing with her justified indisignnation
He validaated her feelings that make sense it loers defences tremendously or j the esclalaguy
He got the hotel manager to agree to a longer shut down by sympathizing with the manager's desire for minimal disruption
But framing the longer repair as preventing more disruption later
He appealed to the manager's own concerns
Ok
Sympathy is powerful withwere appealing the the higher values
That's the next one appealed to the nobler motives assume people want to be fair honest and honorable
Even when their action suggest otherwise
Even them enitfor the douout t apappeal to that better nature
James elthomas collected uncollectable deaths sending someone one interview customers saying he knew they were fair in patient
And asking them to suggest a fair payment plan
He appealed to their sense of honor
And they responded often yes
People like to live up to a positive image
Someone holds of them interesting
What about making your ideas more engaging dramatize your ideas
We live in in age of drama
Just stating a truth isn't always enough
You have to make it vivid interesting dramatic like show
Don't just tell exactly the sales manager or selling east didn't just list facts
He dramatize the science made the invisible process exciting turning a mundane product into something compelling make it memorable right and finally for really motivating people throw down a challenge
A challenge like competition
Sometimes charle schwa boosted milill production by simply drawing the outft numbers for the day and night
Shifts the floor with chalk six first five
It sparked a friendly rivalry
A challenge to do better tapping into that desire to excel or when else smith convincce
Leouis laws to take the tough job as warden of ssingsing prison
He didn't just offer the job
He framed it as a challenge
He'll take a big person to go up there
And stay that challenge appealed to loss the spirit fascinating
It's about understanding motivation deeply ok
We've covered winning people over what about leadership specifically how to change people's behavior or correct mistakes without causing resentment
That feels like a minefield
It can be absolutely
But carnegie offers principles
Here too a crucial starting point is begin with praise and honest appreciation start positive
Even if you have criticism
Yes Always
It's like bararber lathering ing face before the shave praise prepares the person makes them a receptive less defensive examplwwilly micininly running for president got a speech drafty
He didn't like instead of erring apart
He praised its good points first
Then indirectly suggested it wasn't quite right for speech
Maybe better as a written article
Gentle redirection or linkers
Famous ous letter to general hooker contained sharp criticism
Yes
But it started with praiers for hookers
Bravery and skill
It soft in the blow and maintain respect it
So praise first
Then how do you actually point of the mistake preferably call attention to people's mistakes indirectly direct criticism often wounds pride and breeze resentment a subtle hint
A question is often more effective
Like micinly suggesting this speech was a good article
Exactly not this speech is bad
But suggesting a different more suitable context
It allows the person to see the issue without feeling directly attacked and even better perhaps talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
This is incredibly disarming show humility first right saying something like you know i've made similar errors myself
It shows you not claiming perfection
Makes you relaable
And makes the other person much less defensive about their own mistake
Like that engineer who admitted his own drawing air first yes
His honestand humility actually won him more business
It built trust rather than damaging it okay
So praise first hint indirectly admit your own aults
What about how you ask for change
This is key ask questions
Instead of giving direct orders was it it it
It respects other person's intelligence and autonomy
Orders can feel demeaning questions
Invite cooperation
And make the person feel part of the decision on d young the rca founder der yeah apparently never gave direcct orders always suggestions
You might consider this or do you think that would work it saved pride stimulated creativfoster buyan kes sense it's more collaborative
Exactly like the teacher dance centrreally getting the student to move his illegally parked car
He didn't 要orders
He asked questions what could happen
If he leave it there
The student figured it out himself and powering not commanding and related to that preserving dignity
Crucial blet
The the the person saved face
Never humiliate someone
Even when they're wrong or need to be corrected or moved find a way prespreserve dignity
How to ge hhandle stemmates charles steinmates the genius engineterririmanager er inad of of demoting him
Gd gave him a fancy new title consulting engager essentially for the worky was already doing brilliantly while removing him from management duties
While kept his status
His pride clever saved face or the accounted martial granger laying off seasonal workers
He didn't just give them bad news
He took time to praise their specific contributions during the season expressing confidence in their future
It cushing the blow significantly treat people with respect even in tough situation always
And when you want to encourage improvement
Praise the slatest improvement and praise
Every improvement be hardly on your apppervation and lavish in your praise to focus on your positive enforcement
Like bf skinner tie exactly catch people doing something right even small things and praise
It specifically
It reinforces the desired behavior far more effectively than criticizing the negative criticism makes people defensive praise makes them want to do more of the good stuff like key roboer with the new printer
Yeah
The printer had a bad attitude
But did one job exceptionally well roper jumped on that praised the quality
Specifically the printers whole attitude and performance turned around amazing what specific praise can do
Or mrs hopkins transforming terrible tommy by giving him a reputation as a leader
And then praising every tiny step he took in that direction
He started living up to it
Which leaves s in
To give the other person a fine reputation to live up to like shatekins said
Assume of virtue
If you have it not pretty much
If you he treat someone as if they already possess the trade
You want them to develop
They will often make predigious efforts to justify that faith give them a reputation for being careful or diligent or fair
Often yes and make r fits
Hue got his cleaning man to do a much better job
Simply by praising the fine job
He was ready doing
And And
And make gesting
He take extra time for ccasional deep cleaning framing him as metigous decleaning right
And make it him achievable
Make the felt seem easy to correct
Don't overwhelm people with the scale of the problem
Minimize the difficulty emphasize their ability to fix it like your dancing teacher
Huh
Yeah telling me
I had a natural sense of rhythm
When i clearly didn't
But it maybe want to try harder
Because it felt possible
Not hopeless confidence is key or iliccobert son's wife telling ling
Me had a flared for bridge
Exactly that belief helped launch his career and carance johes
Son Son
David
Who was way behind his harreor brain injury great but as dad encouraged him
Taught him multiplication simply made learning seem easy
And the kid blossommed even won a science award making it seem duable
Unlocked his potential incredible
Finally how do you make people want to do it
You suggest make the other person happy about doing the thing
You suggest ted frame it in terms of their benefits
Their desires
Their importance
Appeal to their self interest
But in a positive way
Yes
Kerneal house convinced william jenning's brian not to go on a trip
By suggesting brian was actually too important for the mission that it would attract too much
Unwanted attention flattering
But effective it aligned with brian's ego clever hring ing napolean motivating his troops with titles and metals toys
He called them
But he understood that mner ruled by toys
By symbols of recognition and importance
Ffind what make some happhappy doing it like mrs jent solving her trustpassing problem by making the worst defender der her official deteership in charge of keeping others off alone
Gave him responsibility
Importance
And made him happy to do what she wanted
Wow
That's quite a tool of for leadership
It really is like based on understand any human nature win an incredible journey through this book
You know from those early ymca classes to training people at huge companies like westing house ge millions worldwide carnegie 's impact is just underenireally really
And it hamers home
That these ideas they are just clever tricks there present
It is a new way of life
Right based on some fundamenal truth about people absolutely and carnegie himself points out
The core ideas aren't even his originally their ancient
嗯
That golden role principal do unto others as you would have others do unto you yeah
Variations of that were taught centuries earlier by zoraaaster confusious louds to butto and hinduousm by jesua
It's timeless universal treothers with respect try i see their perspective
It's just fundamental human wisdom package effectively
Exactly so for everyone listening by it's to take away
Applying this stuff is n't always easy as it no
It takes conscious effort like neney said
Time and persistence and daily application you have to practice it
But the potential payoff seems huge better relationships more success definitely
And maybe a final thought to leave people with
If knowledge is they say only really sticks when you use it ok
What might happen
If you picked just one of these principles
Maybe genuine appreciation or really listening or seeing things from their view and consciously try to apply in every interaction
You have for the next week
Just one principal for one week
Yeah
What hidden miracles as carnegie might put it
Could you unlock in your family at work by really trying to inspire others to see the hidden treasures
They possess mikes
You think doesn't
